There are days where I look at what we have gone through and I think to myself...are you kidding me?! There are times where I can look back and remember how hurt and sad we were. I don't dwell on those moments for sure...but I definitely know when I touch the part of my soul that remembers what that feels like. It's a sting...with the knee jerk reaction to pull away and close the door. And then there are moments where I think to myself...how amazing and how thankful am I!
How amazing that we made it through the last 2.5 years as better people both individually and as a couple. We know more about how to handle difficult situations than we ever thought we would know. We know how each other reacts to difficult situations. We know what the other expects and needs during these hard times. We know when to hold each other and when to allow each other to scream and yell in anger. I'm sure we would have figured this out eventually. But we figured it out now...and I'm thankful.
How amazing that we have the love of a God that holds us through this and at the same time allows situations like this to be used for His glory. I cannot tell you the number of times where when I share my story I have the opportunity to tell people in a very real way HOW I made it through. I have learned sooooo much about suffering and its purpose in my walk with Christ that it is amazing. I know that trusting him through these hard times only makes the joy on the other side that much greater knowing that there is no way I would have made it through this without His arms wrapped around me. And I can tell someone now that the only way to bear the burden of loss is by resting in the love of Christ. And because of what I went through...people believe me. I know it's not always the obvious situation that is what it's all about. Yes, we lost babies, and yes that is sad. But think of everything we have gained in strength along the way...think of the other people's lives that are impacted by knowing HOW we made it through. When you think about this...it's amazing...and it's not all bad...and I'm thankful.
How amazing that while there are still those deep pockets of hurt; there are also those moments where I look back and can smile. Sounds odd..I know.
It's not all bad. I mean the situation as a whole is, but there are parts of it for which I am thankful and happy. The other day we were making milkshakes in the kitchen. We love vanilla ice cream milkshakes with chocolate syrup mixed up. And as we were making them; I smiled. Not because it brought me back to miscarriages and in some twisted way this made me smile. But rather.. in that moment I knew that enjoying those milkshakes brought back a memory that ONLY Mike and I share. Only the two of us know that our comfort food during the last miscarriage was vanilla and chocolate milkshakes. No one has this association. And in that moment I looked at Mike and thought...there is no one in the whole world I would rather go through life with than this man. In that moment I smiled because, oddly enough, those milkshakes represent something that strengthened us. I never thought for a single moment that I would ever look back on our past hard times and think anything good. I always thought that all the associated thoughts would be of sadness, hurt and brokenness. But in that milkshake moment...I realized that there was a lot to be thankful for and that it's not all bad.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Gluten...you naughty little culprit
Gluten...the cause of all my issues. I am...Gluten Intolerant. Hi, my name is Kelly, and I have a gluten issue.
The back story. So as you remember from the last post, we found the wonderful Dr. VanLue. He gave me a spit test for hormones and sent me for blood work. Four tubes of spit and nine vials of blood later...we have results!
We went in for the appointment and we were super excited and ultra anxious all at the same time. On the way in...walking through the hall...we did our normal praying as we go in to the doctor. "Dear God, keep us strong for each other, keep us brave and courageous to follow Your guidance, and keep the doctor wise to help us fill out Your plan. God you are bigger than this. And we love you more each day."
The next half hour is something I'll always remember. Even if the plan we are following now doesn't end with us being able to have kids...I will always remember THAT appointment. Years down the road when I'm covered with grandkids...I will ALWAYS remember THAT appointment. As we sat down in his office, a contagious smile spread across Dr.V's face and he could hardly contain his happiness. He started with "So..." He was so excited that all I remember was him fidgeting in his chair and smiling like a tech junkie at an Apple convention. He said, "I know what's wrong...and while I can't make any promises...I KNOW that this will work. I knew the moment we spoke on the phone that God brought us together for a reason. I got a good feeling in my soul about the partnership that we were going to have." He paused for a moment, still smiling, but this time I thought he was going to cry. He was so happy for us...that he was tearing up. Seriously...I will remember that day because it was the first time that I sat in a doctor's office and felt like the doctor understood. I fel like he was interested in our outcome, interested in our emotions, and excited about fixing an issue that is way more complicated than just being "unlucky". He said that when he picked up the file with my test results in it that the nurse gave him...he prayed that the results would be obvious and that he would be able to see clearly what he needed to do to help us. And when he opened the file...he knew exactly what to do for me. This is why he was excited...this is why he was almost in tears. I will remember that day always. And not just because of the results, but because God brought us together for a reason. He was orchestrating his plan long before we lost our babies. When you think back about the events of the last 2 years that statement becomes even more amazing. We could have chosen a lot of different churches in the Central Florida after NewSpring closed. But we chose Grace Orlando. We could have kept trying and kept failing. But we didn't. Good and bad, happy and sad situations of the past...led us to exactly where we are now. Sitting in the office of a man dedicated to Christ, dedicated to using his gifts to bring glory to God, and determined to see us have kids and make healthy choices. I will never forget that day. My heart was happy that day. The discussion in that appointment was something that brought a smile to our face and not tears of disappointment and anger.
So the results...the result is...I have a Gluten sensitivity. Gluten reeks havoc on my insides and causes problems that in the end are affecting my ability to have kids. For a very short lesson in gluten. Gluten is a protein found in wheat, barley and rye. It's a little sticky substance that some people have an "allergic" reaction too. In normal people, gluten is digested. In people with sensitivity issues the immune system freaks out and responds in crazy ways to gluten. I don't have Celiac disease which is more severe of a reaction to gluten where the intestines are actually destroyed by the gluten. But I do have a sensitivity...which causes my entire body to scramble to control the immune response to the gluten I put in body. My body is working overtime and dedicating all it's efforts on fighting the stress that my insides are feeling when they encounter gluten. It is unbelievable the things that gluten is affecting my body. It is causing all my hormones to be used to fight stress inside, it's causing my intestines to improperly digest vitamins and the good things from my food, it's causing my thyroid to under produce hormones, it's causing my progesterone to be low because my thyroid is underproducing...all of these things affect pregnancy and my body's ability to carry a baby. So my body's reaction to gluten is multiple miscarriages. Something i would never have known until I started trying to have kids. But i know now... I also haven't had a headache since August! Which is unbelievable.
So there you have it. I'm gluten intolerant. I haven't had anything with gluten in it since August and I feel great! I feel more energetic, no headaches, and happy that I know more about my body and am one more step closer to finding out if my body can handle little ones of our own. I have learned a lot of new recipes, a lot of things to avoid, a lot of things I can adjust and a lot of ways I can be creative with my new found sensitivity.
So the future plan...I will get my blood tested again at the beginning of December to see how my levels are and then have an appointment with Dr. VanLue and he'll give us the go ahead if everything looks good! Mike is, as always, my rock and my biggest fan. He is eating gluten free with me and putting up with my new ways of doing things. I don't miss it...breads or soups, doughnuts or pastries...every once in a while I wish I could gobble up the cupcake in the bakery window. I will give up anything to know that my little people will be that much healthier because of a little adjustment I have to make to my diet.
It probably seems like a big adjustment to anyone reading this...i mean seriously...nothing with flour in it! But...to me...this is my sacrifice for our family. Giving up gluten in exchange for being able to see the little eyes of our babies staring up at us. It's an easy sacrifice.
The back story. So as you remember from the last post, we found the wonderful Dr. VanLue. He gave me a spit test for hormones and sent me for blood work. Four tubes of spit and nine vials of blood later...we have results!
We went in for the appointment and we were super excited and ultra anxious all at the same time. On the way in...walking through the hall...we did our normal praying as we go in to the doctor. "Dear God, keep us strong for each other, keep us brave and courageous to follow Your guidance, and keep the doctor wise to help us fill out Your plan. God you are bigger than this. And we love you more each day."
The next half hour is something I'll always remember. Even if the plan we are following now doesn't end with us being able to have kids...I will always remember THAT appointment. Years down the road when I'm covered with grandkids...I will ALWAYS remember THAT appointment. As we sat down in his office, a contagious smile spread across Dr.V's face and he could hardly contain his happiness. He started with "So..." He was so excited that all I remember was him fidgeting in his chair and smiling like a tech junkie at an Apple convention. He said, "I know what's wrong...and while I can't make any promises...I KNOW that this will work. I knew the moment we spoke on the phone that God brought us together for a reason. I got a good feeling in my soul about the partnership that we were going to have." He paused for a moment, still smiling, but this time I thought he was going to cry. He was so happy for us...that he was tearing up. Seriously...I will remember that day because it was the first time that I sat in a doctor's office and felt like the doctor understood. I fel like he was interested in our outcome, interested in our emotions, and excited about fixing an issue that is way more complicated than just being "unlucky". He said that when he picked up the file with my test results in it that the nurse gave him...he prayed that the results would be obvious and that he would be able to see clearly what he needed to do to help us. And when he opened the file...he knew exactly what to do for me. This is why he was excited...this is why he was almost in tears. I will remember that day always. And not just because of the results, but because God brought us together for a reason. He was orchestrating his plan long before we lost our babies. When you think back about the events of the last 2 years that statement becomes even more amazing. We could have chosen a lot of different churches in the Central Florida after NewSpring closed. But we chose Grace Orlando. We could have kept trying and kept failing. But we didn't. Good and bad, happy and sad situations of the past...led us to exactly where we are now. Sitting in the office of a man dedicated to Christ, dedicated to using his gifts to bring glory to God, and determined to see us have kids and make healthy choices. I will never forget that day. My heart was happy that day. The discussion in that appointment was something that brought a smile to our face and not tears of disappointment and anger.
So the results...the result is...I have a Gluten sensitivity. Gluten reeks havoc on my insides and causes problems that in the end are affecting my ability to have kids. For a very short lesson in gluten. Gluten is a protein found in wheat, barley and rye. It's a little sticky substance that some people have an "allergic" reaction too. In normal people, gluten is digested. In people with sensitivity issues the immune system freaks out and responds in crazy ways to gluten. I don't have Celiac disease which is more severe of a reaction to gluten where the intestines are actually destroyed by the gluten. But I do have a sensitivity...which causes my entire body to scramble to control the immune response to the gluten I put in body. My body is working overtime and dedicating all it's efforts on fighting the stress that my insides are feeling when they encounter gluten. It is unbelievable the things that gluten is affecting my body. It is causing all my hormones to be used to fight stress inside, it's causing my intestines to improperly digest vitamins and the good things from my food, it's causing my thyroid to under produce hormones, it's causing my progesterone to be low because my thyroid is underproducing...all of these things affect pregnancy and my body's ability to carry a baby. So my body's reaction to gluten is multiple miscarriages. Something i would never have known until I started trying to have kids. But i know now... I also haven't had a headache since August! Which is unbelievable.
So there you have it. I'm gluten intolerant. I haven't had anything with gluten in it since August and I feel great! I feel more energetic, no headaches, and happy that I know more about my body and am one more step closer to finding out if my body can handle little ones of our own. I have learned a lot of new recipes, a lot of things to avoid, a lot of things I can adjust and a lot of ways I can be creative with my new found sensitivity.
So the future plan...I will get my blood tested again at the beginning of December to see how my levels are and then have an appointment with Dr. VanLue and he'll give us the go ahead if everything looks good! Mike is, as always, my rock and my biggest fan. He is eating gluten free with me and putting up with my new ways of doing things. I don't miss it...breads or soups, doughnuts or pastries...every once in a while I wish I could gobble up the cupcake in the bakery window. I will give up anything to know that my little people will be that much healthier because of a little adjustment I have to make to my diet.
It probably seems like a big adjustment to anyone reading this...i mean seriously...nothing with flour in it! But...to me...this is my sacrifice for our family. Giving up gluten in exchange for being able to see the little eyes of our babies staring up at us. It's an easy sacrifice.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Not gonna lie...this update is a little long...
The last blog post left off with my toxic liver. So at the beginning of July we started the plan. The plan included a new food plan and a bunch of nutritional medicines. The point of the food plan was to detox my liver and give it break from processing the crap. I know that detox sounds super trendy, but the reality of it is is that my liver was on overload from the crap of my body. And in order to get rid of the crap, I had to do two steps. One was to take the nutritional medicines, which are like vitamins except whole foods, so it's like crushed up brussel sprouts in a pill form. The point of this was to help heal my liver as it was getting rid of the toxins. The food plan portion was to give my liver a break from processing the crap.
Mike, being as awesome as he is, agreed to do whatever I had to do. So we embarked on the new food plan journey together. No refined sugar, no dairy, and no carbs. At the end of a month I was supposed to have some tests done to compare my beginning results to the end ones. Well...my doctor friend from Iowa and I had some issues getting my blood results across state lines. I literally tried everything. I won't bore you with the hairy details...but they included many phone calls to insurance company, random doctors office, my OB/GYN, my specialist, and a past doctor I'd seen before. All told me the same thing...they didn't want to be the "satellite" doctor. They didn't want to partner up with genius doctor friend at all because they don't really see the point of doing all these tests for miscarriages. So for several weeks I tried and tried...nothin, nada. We were so super frustrated and had no idea where to go next. So we prayed that God would provide the right steps and show them to us. And just like always...He came through...in an unbelievable way.
I kept searching for doctors like my doctor friend here in Florida. And I stumbled upon one we had seen sometime before, but had no need to switch doctors at that point so we passed it up. I went back to an option I had seen before and didn't need at the time called Everything Well. They sounded perfect! The doctor was a functional medicine doctor like genius doctor friend. So I gave them a call up and had a conversation with the patient care coordinator...the fabulous Polly. We chatted and set up an appointment during lunch to chat with Dr. V. Mike and I were super excited...it sounded like everything we had been waiting for. So we waited for our phone call appointment the following week with the doctor. The conversation was amazing...he was warm and kind....he understood...he wanted to help. After a conversation about what was going on, I found myself answering questions more related to how Mike and I were handling the hardships of multiple miscarriages. I found myself discussing the mottos that Mike and I have held fast to this whole time. The two fundatmental things...1) we will not let this define who we are...we will not allow the miscarriages or the process of finding out how to have kids define who we are. We are still Mike and Kelly who have been together for more than 5 years, have a blast laughing together, love each other unbelievably much, and love travelling and friends. We are NOT just Mike and Kelly who have been trying for 2 years to hang onto our babies, or Mike and Kelly who have been pursuing tirelessly the options ahead of them for a family. We do not allow this to define us. And 2) we are strong in this situation because of our God and nothing else. Our marriage has flourished during this time because of Christ and his unfailing love for us and trusting the plan He has for us. And this where it gets super awesome. He goes to our church!!!!! He has been going there since it first started!!!!! And the fabulous Polly...she goes there too!!!!! At the end of the conversation he prayed with us!!!! NO lie! I couldn't make this crap up! The following Sunday we found him and met him and he hugged us like old friends and said he was going to help us. And that is how we found our new fabulous doctor!
He gave me orders to go have my blood taken to compare to the results from genius doctor friend and another kit to test my hormones through my spit. I did both of those around labor day and now we just wait for the results. They should be ready sometime next week! And then we'll go in and talk to him and see what's next. What he suspects and what I think i know...is that I have a gluten sensitivity as well as some sort of auto-immune problem! We have continued to eat healthy according to the plan for the most part. No gluten at all, limited amounts of dairy, and no refined sugars. And I LOVE it! I feel great! When I do eat anything with gluten in it my stomach blows up like a balloon and I burp constantly. It's pretty attractive i know. HA! We'll continue to eat this way. I've learned all kinds of new ways to cook and eat. Mike is putting up with it...even though he says he puts up with a lot of my "greenness". We like being healthy and taking care of ourselves...not just FOR ourselves, but for each other and for our future grandkids and our families. It's a lot easier to make the right choice in health..when you think of it as affecting more people than just yourself.
And that's the latest update. Hopefully I'll have some more updates about our progress in another week or so!
Mike, being as awesome as he is, agreed to do whatever I had to do. So we embarked on the new food plan journey together. No refined sugar, no dairy, and no carbs. At the end of a month I was supposed to have some tests done to compare my beginning results to the end ones. Well...my doctor friend from Iowa and I had some issues getting my blood results across state lines. I literally tried everything. I won't bore you with the hairy details...but they included many phone calls to insurance company, random doctors office, my OB/GYN, my specialist, and a past doctor I'd seen before. All told me the same thing...they didn't want to be the "satellite" doctor. They didn't want to partner up with genius doctor friend at all because they don't really see the point of doing all these tests for miscarriages. So for several weeks I tried and tried...nothin, nada. We were so super frustrated and had no idea where to go next. So we prayed that God would provide the right steps and show them to us. And just like always...He came through...in an unbelievable way.
I kept searching for doctors like my doctor friend here in Florida. And I stumbled upon one we had seen sometime before, but had no need to switch doctors at that point so we passed it up. I went back to an option I had seen before and didn't need at the time called Everything Well. They sounded perfect! The doctor was a functional medicine doctor like genius doctor friend. So I gave them a call up and had a conversation with the patient care coordinator...the fabulous Polly. We chatted and set up an appointment during lunch to chat with Dr. V. Mike and I were super excited...it sounded like everything we had been waiting for. So we waited for our phone call appointment the following week with the doctor. The conversation was amazing...he was warm and kind....he understood...he wanted to help. After a conversation about what was going on, I found myself answering questions more related to how Mike and I were handling the hardships of multiple miscarriages. I found myself discussing the mottos that Mike and I have held fast to this whole time. The two fundatmental things...1) we will not let this define who we are...we will not allow the miscarriages or the process of finding out how to have kids define who we are. We are still Mike and Kelly who have been together for more than 5 years, have a blast laughing together, love each other unbelievably much, and love travelling and friends. We are NOT just Mike and Kelly who have been trying for 2 years to hang onto our babies, or Mike and Kelly who have been pursuing tirelessly the options ahead of them for a family. We do not allow this to define us. And 2) we are strong in this situation because of our God and nothing else. Our marriage has flourished during this time because of Christ and his unfailing love for us and trusting the plan He has for us. And this where it gets super awesome. He goes to our church!!!!! He has been going there since it first started!!!!! And the fabulous Polly...she goes there too!!!!! At the end of the conversation he prayed with us!!!! NO lie! I couldn't make this crap up! The following Sunday we found him and met him and he hugged us like old friends and said he was going to help us. And that is how we found our new fabulous doctor!
He gave me orders to go have my blood taken to compare to the results from genius doctor friend and another kit to test my hormones through my spit. I did both of those around labor day and now we just wait for the results. They should be ready sometime next week! And then we'll go in and talk to him and see what's next. What he suspects and what I think i know...is that I have a gluten sensitivity as well as some sort of auto-immune problem! We have continued to eat healthy according to the plan for the most part. No gluten at all, limited amounts of dairy, and no refined sugars. And I LOVE it! I feel great! When I do eat anything with gluten in it my stomach blows up like a balloon and I burp constantly. It's pretty attractive i know. HA! We'll continue to eat this way. I've learned all kinds of new ways to cook and eat. Mike is putting up with it...even though he says he puts up with a lot of my "greenness". We like being healthy and taking care of ourselves...not just FOR ourselves, but for each other and for our future grandkids and our families. It's a lot easier to make the right choice in health..when you think of it as affecting more people than just yourself.
And that's the latest update. Hopefully I'll have some more updates about our progress in another week or so!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Yeah for a Toxic Liver!!!
I'm sure most people wouldn't be rejoicing at having a toxic liver...but I am! We got my lab results back from genius doctor friend today and good news is...is there is something wrong that we can fix!!!
There are still a few things I don't know and questions I still have to ask. But we are doing that together on Monday. But for now...this is what I know.
I have a "very toxic liver". I'm by no means a doctor and so I can't even begin to know exactly all the things our liver does. But as it relates to me...and our miscarriages. This is what I know. I know that my liver is not processing well because of it being toxic. I know that our sex hormones come from cholesterol so if my liver is not processing them well then I will have issues with my hormones (namely progesterone). This would cause me not to be able to hold on to our babies!!!!
There are a few other things as well, but the biggest one is the liver. I also have an inflamed intestine which is causing me to not absorb good things that well and therefore causing an iron deficiency...another bad thing when you're trying to have babies.
So the plan...the new adjusted plan. I have to start on a "gentle yet thorough detox or clearance" to aid the liver in working properly. I will use whole-food nutritional medicines and make sure that i'm getting the right nutrients/minerals found in whole foods to aid in healing my liver.
Questions I'll ask...how long does liver detox take and how did I get toxic to begin with!? Along with the specifics of my detox. These things I'll have answer for on Monday after my phone conversation with genius doctor friend. We literally could not be more thankful for him...he has been a HUGE help in our journey. He has taken the time out of his busy life to help us. It hasn't been easy. Maybe we'll name our kid after him...hehe!
We are soooooo excited to know something. We are so excited that our genius doctor friend feels confident in what the issue is. Never thought we'd ever be so excited about toxicity in either of our bodies!! Until Monday....
There are still a few things I don't know and questions I still have to ask. But we are doing that together on Monday. But for now...this is what I know.
I have a "very toxic liver". I'm by no means a doctor and so I can't even begin to know exactly all the things our liver does. But as it relates to me...and our miscarriages. This is what I know. I know that my liver is not processing well because of it being toxic. I know that our sex hormones come from cholesterol so if my liver is not processing them well then I will have issues with my hormones (namely progesterone). This would cause me not to be able to hold on to our babies!!!!
There are a few other things as well, but the biggest one is the liver. I also have an inflamed intestine which is causing me to not absorb good things that well and therefore causing an iron deficiency...another bad thing when you're trying to have babies.
So the plan...the new adjusted plan. I have to start on a "gentle yet thorough detox or clearance" to aid the liver in working properly. I will use whole-food nutritional medicines and make sure that i'm getting the right nutrients/minerals found in whole foods to aid in healing my liver.
Questions I'll ask...how long does liver detox take and how did I get toxic to begin with!? Along with the specifics of my detox. These things I'll have answer for on Monday after my phone conversation with genius doctor friend. We literally could not be more thankful for him...he has been a HUGE help in our journey. He has taken the time out of his busy life to help us. It hasn't been easy. Maybe we'll name our kid after him...hehe!
We are soooooo excited to know something. We are so excited that our genius doctor friend feels confident in what the issue is. Never thought we'd ever be so excited about toxicity in either of our bodies!! Until Monday....
Thursday, June 9, 2011
There are no guarantees...
There are no guarantees. Life is full of risks. This is at times both a person's worst fear and greatest exhiliration.
I remember back when Mike and I first got married, we would talk plans. Nothing wrong with plans at all! In fact...I like plans...loose plans. I like an agenda, but not a rigid schedule. I like plans, but not unwavering steadfastness to the hours that are scheduled out in Excel. So when we were first married...we made our family plans. We planned where we would live, when we were comfortable having our kids, how many kids, how far apart, when we would buy a house, when we would be done paying off debt...etc. We made those plans with the best intentions. No regrets on those plans. However, when I look back at those plans, I realize...none of those plans actually went according to the said plan. But...the veer offs from the plan have provided us amazing memories, added character, and allowed us a much broader view of other people's lives. I would change nothing...
We planned to buy a house a year after we got married. Well, house prices were ridiculously high and banks were basically throwing money at us to buy. We prayed, readjusted the plan, and now we have a great loan, a great house we can "play castle" in, in a great neighborhood without sacrificing our life to huge debt, bad loans, in an okay house. This happened 2 years after we got married. Not one.
We planned to have 4 kids...we planned to have those kids starting when we were comfortable with who we were as a couple...when we felt like we had established a solid marriage that could withstand the craziness of kids. However, we aren't even one kid into our 4 kid plan and we will be married for 5 years in a couple weeks. We thought we would start our grand plan in 2009. Here we are halfway through 2011 and we are still working on it. And while our original plan was 4 kids on top of a strong marriage; we now have an exceptionally amazing marriage built on the hope of one day having those kids. And not according to our plan, but according to God's plan. We have learned to go through grief together, we have learned how to hope together, we have learned how to trust God together, we have learned together that at God's timing and in HIS plan...we will have those kids. I wouldn't trade those things for a million dollars...I treasure the memories good and bad that Mike and I share through this whole journey. There is no one who knows what it's like to be us...except us. Us. I like that...strike that...I love us. And if veering off the plan that we set up 5 years ago...gave me what we have today...then that is best non-followed plan in the history of the world.
Over the last few days...a few things have happened both to people I know and people I only know by association. A couple that went to Grace long before I did just recently lost their triplet boys. She was 22 weeks...just 2 weeks shy of the "they can make it" line...when one triplet's water broke which forced them to be delivered and only live for a few treasured minutes. I am sure that this was not in their plan. I'm sure no parent that finds out that they are going to have babies thinks to themselves...let's plan for some drama in the middle followed by having to hold our babies as they take their last breaths. This was NOT their plan. I'm sure one day they'll look back at this as a memory with very real pangs of sadness attached to it. But they will have adjusted their plan.
My manager at work lost his 21 year old daughter this week. She had chronic anemia coupled with some sort of auto-immune disease. It caused her to get sick very easily, get fevers that took all the oxygen from her blood, and take weeks to recover from something you and I can get over in days. She was admitted to the hospital and 6 days later she was in the arms of our Savior. I'm sure that my bosses plan was NOT to have his 21 year old intelligent, boisterous college daughter taken from this earth. I'm sure he didn't think to himself when he saw her being born. Well too bad we only planned 21 years for you to be with us. This was NOT his plan. And I'm sure one day they'll look back at this as a memory with very real pangs of sadness of losing her after raising her and getting to know her for 21 years. But...they will have adjusted their plans.
It occurred to me as these things were going on, and of course coupled with my own multiple miscarriage situation, that it doesn't matter if you adopt, have biological children, make it through the first trimester, go through the birth, see them graduate college or see them get married. There are no guarantees that life will work out exactly how we plan it.
As I struggle through the thought process behind this concept I realize that I have a gift that I wish every single person in this world had. I have the inexplicable joy knowing that my plan sucks. I mean really...our plans are sucky compared to the plans of the Man that can hold the stars in his hands. I want HIM to be making my plans. We think we have made the best plan for our life and yet God says...wait...I have even better plans for you. Really?! Better?! but I made these up myself God...how can they be better than what my selfish desires are for my life are. I mean I wouldn't make a stupid plan with stupid dreams for my life...no way! And He says to us...trust me...I know better. I know you..better than YOU know YOU. And if you can just hold on, love ME, trust ME...you'll be much better off on the other side...I PROMISE. And just like that...we are free. We are free from our rigid schedule and our unwavering steadfastness to OUR plan. We are free from the fear that life is precious and could go unexpectedly wrong. Yes we can make plans...they are still good. But when things don't go just like we hope...remember to stop, trust in Him, love Him...it's better than you would ever imagine. He love us THAT much. And that is incredible. THAT makes me happy and THAT is what I live for.
So we can choose to be paralized by fear that life is risky with no guarantees, or we can choose to rest easy in the arms of our Father knowing HIS plan is the one that matters. I have said many times in the last 2 years...my God is bigger than this. There may be no guarantees that life will go as YOU have planned it. But there is a promise that it will go just as God has designed it. And is my peace, my comfort, and my hope. These things are never misplaced if they are placed in Christ.
I remember back when Mike and I first got married, we would talk plans. Nothing wrong with plans at all! In fact...I like plans...loose plans. I like an agenda, but not a rigid schedule. I like plans, but not unwavering steadfastness to the hours that are scheduled out in Excel. So when we were first married...we made our family plans. We planned where we would live, when we were comfortable having our kids, how many kids, how far apart, when we would buy a house, when we would be done paying off debt...etc. We made those plans with the best intentions. No regrets on those plans. However, when I look back at those plans, I realize...none of those plans actually went according to the said plan. But...the veer offs from the plan have provided us amazing memories, added character, and allowed us a much broader view of other people's lives. I would change nothing...
We planned to buy a house a year after we got married. Well, house prices were ridiculously high and banks were basically throwing money at us to buy. We prayed, readjusted the plan, and now we have a great loan, a great house we can "play castle" in, in a great neighborhood without sacrificing our life to huge debt, bad loans, in an okay house. This happened 2 years after we got married. Not one.
We planned to have 4 kids...we planned to have those kids starting when we were comfortable with who we were as a couple...when we felt like we had established a solid marriage that could withstand the craziness of kids. However, we aren't even one kid into our 4 kid plan and we will be married for 5 years in a couple weeks. We thought we would start our grand plan in 2009. Here we are halfway through 2011 and we are still working on it. And while our original plan was 4 kids on top of a strong marriage; we now have an exceptionally amazing marriage built on the hope of one day having those kids. And not according to our plan, but according to God's plan. We have learned to go through grief together, we have learned how to hope together, we have learned how to trust God together, we have learned together that at God's timing and in HIS plan...we will have those kids. I wouldn't trade those things for a million dollars...I treasure the memories good and bad that Mike and I share through this whole journey. There is no one who knows what it's like to be us...except us. Us. I like that...strike that...I love us. And if veering off the plan that we set up 5 years ago...gave me what we have today...then that is best non-followed plan in the history of the world.
Over the last few days...a few things have happened both to people I know and people I only know by association. A couple that went to Grace long before I did just recently lost their triplet boys. She was 22 weeks...just 2 weeks shy of the "they can make it" line...when one triplet's water broke which forced them to be delivered and only live for a few treasured minutes. I am sure that this was not in their plan. I'm sure no parent that finds out that they are going to have babies thinks to themselves...let's plan for some drama in the middle followed by having to hold our babies as they take their last breaths. This was NOT their plan. I'm sure one day they'll look back at this as a memory with very real pangs of sadness attached to it. But they will have adjusted their plan.
My manager at work lost his 21 year old daughter this week. She had chronic anemia coupled with some sort of auto-immune disease. It caused her to get sick very easily, get fevers that took all the oxygen from her blood, and take weeks to recover from something you and I can get over in days. She was admitted to the hospital and 6 days later she was in the arms of our Savior. I'm sure that my bosses plan was NOT to have his 21 year old intelligent, boisterous college daughter taken from this earth. I'm sure he didn't think to himself when he saw her being born. Well too bad we only planned 21 years for you to be with us. This was NOT his plan. And I'm sure one day they'll look back at this as a memory with very real pangs of sadness of losing her after raising her and getting to know her for 21 years. But...they will have adjusted their plans.
It occurred to me as these things were going on, and of course coupled with my own multiple miscarriage situation, that it doesn't matter if you adopt, have biological children, make it through the first trimester, go through the birth, see them graduate college or see them get married. There are no guarantees that life will work out exactly how we plan it.
As I struggle through the thought process behind this concept I realize that I have a gift that I wish every single person in this world had. I have the inexplicable joy knowing that my plan sucks. I mean really...our plans are sucky compared to the plans of the Man that can hold the stars in his hands. I want HIM to be making my plans. We think we have made the best plan for our life and yet God says...wait...I have even better plans for you. Really?! Better?! but I made these up myself God...how can they be better than what my selfish desires are for my life are. I mean I wouldn't make a stupid plan with stupid dreams for my life...no way! And He says to us...trust me...I know better. I know you..better than YOU know YOU. And if you can just hold on, love ME, trust ME...you'll be much better off on the other side...I PROMISE. And just like that...we are free. We are free from our rigid schedule and our unwavering steadfastness to OUR plan. We are free from the fear that life is precious and could go unexpectedly wrong. Yes we can make plans...they are still good. But when things don't go just like we hope...remember to stop, trust in Him, love Him...it's better than you would ever imagine. He love us THAT much. And that is incredible. THAT makes me happy and THAT is what I live for.
So we can choose to be paralized by fear that life is risky with no guarantees, or we can choose to rest easy in the arms of our Father knowing HIS plan is the one that matters. I have said many times in the last 2 years...my God is bigger than this. There may be no guarantees that life will go as YOU have planned it. But there is a promise that it will go just as God has designed it. And is my peace, my comfort, and my hope. These things are never misplaced if they are placed in Christ.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
She just gets me...
I may be an extrovert...but there are parts of me that remain introverted. There are certain times in my life where I want to be by myself, where I become overwhelmed with too much chaos and loudness, and there are also many things that I keep to myself. Not in a bad way, but in a...i don't think everyone cares to know all these weird, sad, happy things about me. But...there are people in my life that love me deeply; that know my heart and soul. They know these things about me because they invest their time and soul into knowing me. It's not like I sat these people down and took out my powerpoint agenda and went through a whole Couple Retreat type presentation on the high's and lows of my life and why they would benefit from knowing these things. These people know who I am because they care to know...because they love me and because we share our lives together. One of these people is my sissy...Kari.
She is by far...one of my very best friends. In fact, in addition to Mike, she is the person who truly knows me best. She is an amazing sister and friend. She loves deeply, is fiercely loyal, is an amazing mama, and is thoughtful beyond words. She has the ability to calm wild and crazy people, the personality that stands up for what is right and for what she believes in, and a passion for making those people she loves...feel loved. We have shared many things over the years...and I wouldn't trade those things for anything in the world. We have had good time for sure! And we have shared sad times as well. But the point is...she knows me. In the very moment where I think to myself...no one else around me knows what it's like to almost have a child and then lose it...I am reminded that her and Tyler faced that very thing with their almost adopted baby. When I laugh out loud to myself at a someone donning the most completely ridiculous outfit in a store or when I do something in public that is completely embarrassing...in that moment I know that if she would have just seen the outfit or witnessed my public embarrassment...she too would be laughing out loud. When I just feel like browsing Crate and Barrel or Anthropologie and I think to myself...who wants to drive there with me just so I can possible walk out with nothing buy...she would. We share similarities and yet we are completely different. We share our souls...and that is something that will never change.
The reason this blog post is being written is because of my birthday present from her. I realize it was a month ago...but I had to give myself time to write with a clear head and not short circuit my keyboard from all the tears that would have come had I written this directly after she gave me my present. This is what she gave me...
So when I opened the present I was already in love with it! And then when she explained it...I had no words...just a heart full of joy and love. We just held each other and cried.
The explanation...M&K obviously is for Mike and Kelly...Booth our last name. And those 3 beautiful pearls...my 3 babies that never made it to my arms. And just when you thought it couldn't possibly get anymore thoughtful and amazing...it does. Those 3 pearls are very purposefully colored. They are colored the birth month color for the months in which my babies would have been born. June = white pearl, March = aquamarine, and September = sapphire. It's my family...it's me, mike and our little babes. This very gift is EXACTLY what I've been writing about. No one understands me like she does. Who in the world takes the time to remember when my maybe babies would have been born, who takes the time to design it and order it special for me...she does. She wanted me to know that she knows...she wanted me to be able to have something to think of them by. And it's all because she loves me...she truly truly loves me. She has seen my pain and remembers always that it stays with me and I think of our babies often. She is the one that knows those dates are hard for me and on those days writes me a card and give me flowers. She knows that mother's day has a different meaning for me at this point in my life because I can't hold my babies that my heart loved from day one. And so there was no more perfect gift than that necklace. I wear it always. I wore it for our family pictures...I wear it at work, church, sometimes at night. And the best part is...i don't have to share what it means with anyone else unless I want to. She made it so that it's discreet. She made it so that I know what it means and my family knows what it means, but i don't have to tell the story over and over to strangers if I don't want to. Sometimes I look at that necklace and I just cry...not all the time do I cry because I'm sad. But because the necklace reminds me of my sister and her awesomeness and her thoughtfulness. It reminds me that she gets it... She is amazing woman, a strong woman, a devoted wife and mom, and an unbelievably thoughtful and loving friend. Her friendship calms me and our silent understanding of each other lives...make my heart smile. There is no one like her. I love her.
She just gets me...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Some days are harder than others...
I'm usually a pretty positive person...especially on this blog. I mean the content in and of itself is not so positive (miscarriage etc). I try not to complain, but rather just state the feelings and emotions behind my life so that other who have been there can relate, and so that those who love me can understand my brain and heart. I'm not trying to make people feel bad for us; just trying to be honest and real about life. But...we all know that not every day is perfect and that not even the most bravest/strongest of people can hold up to the stresses of life every single minute of every single day.
Some days are harder than others...
Some days it's all I can think about.. with every little thing reminding me of our past sad pregnancies and every pregnant lady passing by with me thinking that she can't possibly love her baby as much as I would love mine if I would be given that opportunity.
Some days it just passes by without noticing the dads holding their little girls in line at the store, or the love you can just feel in the exchanged glances between parents when the kids do something funny.
The other night was a night where I just couldn't shake the realness of my emotions. I was already having kind of a rough day emotionally and then...we watched Parenthood. Which seriously has to be one of my favorite shows of all time. And of course, given the name of the show, they were dealing with possible losses of kids, and kids growing up, and parents not being able to have anymore kids, and new babies being born. And it was all I could do to hold myself together. The show, on top of rising emotions, was a recipe for a meltdown.
Not one thing usually leads to a meltdown. As I do with a lot of situations, I hold in my feelings...deal with them on my own...process on my own...get over it (never completely) on my own. And seemingly...move on. But what I forget about EVERY SINGLE TIME is that when I hold it in...and think I let go of it...I haven't. It stays...just a teensy piece of it remains...but it's there. It's there threatening to pile itself on top of the little piece left from the last time I held it in. And piece by piece these emotions build this shaky house of cards until the emotion runs by and knocks it down like a bully in a sandbox at the park. This is what causes my certifiable meltdowns. It's made up of hard baby days from the last weeks that I push aside and from moments where I swallow my deep gut desire to be a mama.
The meltdown is completely magnificent to be honest. It involves a LOT of realization, a LOT of love from Mikey, and a LOT of emotional release. Each time the emotions are just a twinge different than the last meltdown. It's funny though...as time passes the meltdowns become less frequent...but when they do come they are more magnificent than the ones at the beginning!
This meltdown consisted of some hard truths. I am terrified to try again, I am not ready yet to try again, I'm annoyed that I can't be as resilient as Mike is, and I'm immensely angered by the lack of answer I have for my situation. The cry was for the simple fact...that this is unfair...Why can't someone tell me right now what the problem is and fix it right now? Why can't I be one of those people who just thinks about having a baby and bam...I'm pregnant? Why can't I get over the pain? Why have I been robbed any sort of normal pregnancy excitement for the rest of my life?
My heart hurts...because no matter how much I tell myself that having the freedom to go on vacation when we want, go to a movie when we want, sleep in, walk around naked, or take last minute trips is so great. The truth is...deep down in my heart of hearts...I was born to be a mama. I love loving. If I could find a job that would support me by just making people feel loved and special...I would do it. In a heartbeat. I will love our future children more than I know I can even imagine right now. My heart wants to protect a little person and my heart wants to love a little person. I want to look into their little eyes and see us looking back. I want them to know that we have their back and we love them always. I want them to know they can always come to us. I know that Mike and I will be great parents...if for no other reason than it is what we have been waiting for our whole life.
Some days are harder than others...
Some days it's all I can think about.. with every little thing reminding me of our past sad pregnancies and every pregnant lady passing by with me thinking that she can't possibly love her baby as much as I would love mine if I would be given that opportunity.
Some days it just passes by without noticing the dads holding their little girls in line at the store, or the love you can just feel in the exchanged glances between parents when the kids do something funny.
The other night was a night where I just couldn't shake the realness of my emotions. I was already having kind of a rough day emotionally and then...we watched Parenthood. Which seriously has to be one of my favorite shows of all time. And of course, given the name of the show, they were dealing with possible losses of kids, and kids growing up, and parents not being able to have anymore kids, and new babies being born. And it was all I could do to hold myself together. The show, on top of rising emotions, was a recipe for a meltdown.
Not one thing usually leads to a meltdown. As I do with a lot of situations, I hold in my feelings...deal with them on my own...process on my own...get over it (never completely) on my own. And seemingly...move on. But what I forget about EVERY SINGLE TIME is that when I hold it in...and think I let go of it...I haven't. It stays...just a teensy piece of it remains...but it's there. It's there threatening to pile itself on top of the little piece left from the last time I held it in. And piece by piece these emotions build this shaky house of cards until the emotion runs by and knocks it down like a bully in a sandbox at the park. This is what causes my certifiable meltdowns. It's made up of hard baby days from the last weeks that I push aside and from moments where I swallow my deep gut desire to be a mama.
The meltdown is completely magnificent to be honest. It involves a LOT of realization, a LOT of love from Mikey, and a LOT of emotional release. Each time the emotions are just a twinge different than the last meltdown. It's funny though...as time passes the meltdowns become less frequent...but when they do come they are more magnificent than the ones at the beginning!
This meltdown consisted of some hard truths. I am terrified to try again, I am not ready yet to try again, I'm annoyed that I can't be as resilient as Mike is, and I'm immensely angered by the lack of answer I have for my situation. The cry was for the simple fact...that this is unfair...Why can't someone tell me right now what the problem is and fix it right now? Why can't I be one of those people who just thinks about having a baby and bam...I'm pregnant? Why can't I get over the pain? Why have I been robbed any sort of normal pregnancy excitement for the rest of my life?
My heart hurts...because no matter how much I tell myself that having the freedom to go on vacation when we want, go to a movie when we want, sleep in, walk around naked, or take last minute trips is so great. The truth is...deep down in my heart of hearts...I was born to be a mama. I love loving. If I could find a job that would support me by just making people feel loved and special...I would do it. In a heartbeat. I will love our future children more than I know I can even imagine right now. My heart wants to protect a little person and my heart wants to love a little person. I want to look into their little eyes and see us looking back. I want them to know that we have their back and we love them always. I want them to know they can always come to us. I know that Mike and I will be great parents...if for no other reason than it is what we have been waiting for our whole life.
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