There are no guarantees...

There are no guarantees. Life is full of risks. This is at times both a person's worst fear and greatest exhiliration.

I remember back when Mike and I first got married, we would talk plans. Nothing wrong with plans at all! In fact...I like plans...loose plans. I like an agenda, but not a rigid schedule. I like plans, but not unwavering steadfastness to the hours that are scheduled out in Excel. So when we were first married...we made our family plans. We planned where we would live, when we were comfortable having our kids, how many kids, how far apart, when we would buy a house, when we would be done paying off debt...etc. We made those plans with the best intentions. No regrets on those plans. However, when I look back at those plans, I realize...none of those plans actually went according to the said plan. But...the veer offs from the plan have provided us amazing memories, added character, and allowed us a much broader view of other people's lives. I would change nothing...

We planned to buy a house a year after we got married. Well, house prices were ridiculously high and banks were basically throwing money at us to buy. We prayed, readjusted the plan, and now we have a great loan, a great house we can "play castle" in, in a great neighborhood without sacrificing our life to huge debt, bad loans, in an okay house. This happened 2 years after we got married. Not one.

We planned to have 4 kids...we planned to have those kids starting when we were comfortable with who we were as a couple...when we felt like we had established a solid marriage that could withstand the craziness of kids. However, we aren't even one kid into our 4 kid plan and we will be married for 5 years in a couple weeks. We thought we would start our grand plan in 2009. Here we are halfway through 2011 and we are still working on it. And while our original plan was 4 kids on top of a strong marriage; we now have an exceptionally amazing marriage built on the hope of one day having those kids. And not according to our plan, but according to God's plan. We have learned to go through grief together, we have learned how to hope together, we have learned how to trust God together, we have learned together that at God's timing and in HIS plan...we will have those kids. I wouldn't trade those things for a million dollars...I treasure the memories good and bad that Mike and I share through this whole journey. There is no one who knows what it's like to be us...except us. Us. I like that...strike that...I love us. And if veering off the plan that we set up 5 years ago...gave me what we have today...then that is best non-followed plan in the history of the world.

Over the last few days...a few things have happened both to people I know and people I only know by association. A couple that went to Grace long before I did just recently lost their triplet boys. She was 22 weeks...just 2 weeks shy of the "they can make it" line...when one triplet's water broke which forced them to be delivered and only live for a few treasured minutes. I am sure that this was not in their plan. I'm sure no parent that finds out that they are going to have babies thinks to themselves...let's plan for some drama in the middle followed by having to hold our babies as they take their last breaths. This was NOT their plan. I'm sure one day they'll look back at this as a memory with very real pangs of sadness attached to it. But they will have adjusted their plan.

My manager at work lost his 21 year old daughter this week. She had chronic anemia coupled with some sort of auto-immune disease. It caused her to get sick very easily, get fevers that took all the oxygen from her blood, and take weeks to recover from something you and I can get over in days. She was admitted to the hospital and 6 days later she was in the arms of our Savior. I'm sure that my bosses plan was NOT to have his 21 year old intelligent, boisterous college daughter taken from this earth. I'm sure he didn't think to himself when he saw her being born. Well too bad we only planned 21 years for you to be with us. This was NOT his plan. And I'm sure one day they'll look back at this as a memory with very real pangs of sadness of losing her after raising her and getting to know her for 21 years. But...they will have adjusted their plans.

It occurred to me as these things were going on, and of course coupled with my own multiple miscarriage situation, that it doesn't matter if you adopt, have biological children, make it through the first trimester, go through the birth, see them graduate college or see them get married. There are no guarantees that life will work out exactly how we plan it.

As I struggle through the thought process behind this concept I realize that I have a gift that I wish every single person in this world had. I have the inexplicable joy knowing that my plan sucks. I mean really...our plans are sucky compared to the plans of the Man that can hold the stars in his hands. I want HIM to be making my plans. We think we have made the best plan for our life and yet God says...wait...I have even better plans for you. Really?! Better?! but I made these up myself God...how can they be better than what my selfish desires are for my life are. I mean I wouldn't make a stupid plan with stupid dreams for my life...no way! And He says to us...trust me...I know better. I know you..better than YOU know YOU. And if you can just hold on, love ME, trust ME...you'll be much better off on the other side...I PROMISE. And just like that...we are free. We are free from our rigid schedule and our unwavering steadfastness to OUR plan. We are free from the fear that life is precious and could go unexpectedly wrong. Yes we can make plans...they are still good. But when things don't go just like we hope...remember to stop, trust in Him, love Him...it's better than you would ever imagine. He love us THAT much. And that is incredible. THAT makes me happy and THAT is what I live for.

So we can choose to be paralized by fear that life is risky with no guarantees, or we can choose to rest easy in the arms of our Father knowing HIS plan is the one that matters. I have said many times in the last 2 years...my God is bigger than this. There may be no guarantees that life will go as YOU have planned it. But there is a promise that it will go just as God has designed it. And is my peace, my comfort, and my hope. These things are never misplaced if they are placed in Christ.