It's not ALL bad...

There are days where I look at what we have gone through and I think to myself...are you kidding me?! There are times where I can look back and remember how hurt and sad we were. I don't dwell on those moments for sure...but I definitely know when I touch the part of my soul that remembers what that feels like. It's a sting...with the knee jerk reaction to pull away and close the door. And then there are moments where I think to myself...how amazing and how thankful am I!

How amazing that we made it through the last 2.5 years as better people both individually and as a couple. We know more about how to handle difficult situations than we ever thought we would know. We know how each other reacts to difficult situations. We know what the other expects and needs during these hard times. We know when to hold each other and when to allow each other to scream and yell in anger. I'm sure we would have figured this out eventually. But we figured it out now...and I'm thankful.

How amazing that we have the love of a God that holds us through this and at the same time allows situations like this to be used for His glory. I cannot tell you the number of times where when I share my story I have the opportunity to tell people in a very real way HOW I made it through. I have learned sooooo much about suffering and its purpose in my walk with Christ that it is amazing. I know that trusting him through these hard times only makes the joy on the other side that much greater knowing that there is no way I would have made it through this without His arms wrapped around me. And I can tell someone now that the only way to bear the burden of loss is by resting in the love of Christ. And because of what I went through...people believe me. I know it's not always the obvious situation that is what it's all about. Yes, we lost babies, and yes that is sad. But think of everything we have gained in strength along the way...think of the other people's lives that are impacted by knowing HOW we made it through. When you think about this...it's amazing...and it's not all bad...and I'm thankful.

How amazing that while there are still those deep pockets of hurt; there are also those moments where I look back and can smile. Sounds odd..I know.

It's not all bad. I mean the situation as a whole is, but there are parts of it for which I am thankful and happy. The other day we were making milkshakes in the kitchen. We love vanilla ice cream milkshakes with chocolate syrup mixed up. And as we were making them; I smiled. Not because it brought me back to miscarriages and in some twisted way this made me smile. But rather.. in that moment I knew that enjoying those milkshakes brought back a memory that ONLY Mike and I share. Only the two of us know that our comfort food during the last miscarriage was vanilla and chocolate milkshakes. No one has this association. And in that moment I looked at Mike and thought...there is no one in the whole world I would rather go through life with than this man. In that moment I smiled because, oddly enough, those milkshakes represent something that strengthened us. I never thought for a single moment that I would ever look back on our past hard times and think anything good. I always thought that all the associated thoughts would be of sadness, hurt and brokenness. But in that milkshake moment...I realized that there was a lot to be thankful for and that it's not all bad.