Catch up...

So I posted a few drafts I had saved up from when I first found out i was pregnant. I realize I haven't blogged in an ETERNITY...but they are there for your reading pleasure or not. :0)

I think the last one was early on and so I will give a BRIEF update on the pregnant life of Kelly. I promise for no goury details or too long of a story (which Mikey says is impossible for me...we'll see about that!).

Made it safely through the first trimester! Had weekly ultrasounds and LOVED them. With each one the nervousness growing less and less. We celebrated the victory of making it through 13 weeks and moved on to our next "milestone"...24 weeks...the week where the baby has a 36% chance of living if it is born in that week.

I thought it interesting in these times how different Mike and I's comfort levels with our situation. We were never on the same page...and this was ok. It was actually perfect. When he felt less sure and more anxious that something was bound to go wrong. I was steadfast in my feelings of it being perfectly ok. And of course the other way around...It was great.

We sailed through the second trimester passing the glucose test with flying colors. One snafu though that we recently encountered after seeing my high-risk doc (who is literally one of the most comforting and detailed people i've ever met in the land of doctors...beside the great Dr. VL who literally saved my life). Anyway more on that in the future. Dr. Humphrey's (said high risk doc) had some concerns regarding my blood clotting disorder that was diagnosed early on and was being treated with a baby aspirin a night. Did the tests...came back with less than stellar results. I not only have 1 clotting antibody present in my body causing issues...but i have 2. Anticardiolipin antibody and Lupus anticoagulant (no it doesn't mean i have lupus...it's just what they call it). What that means in short is...i have more of a risk in normal life to develop a blood clot. In pregnant life, this means more of a risk of the baby (sorry for the upcoming harshness) dying because i develop a clot in my placenta that cuts off oxygen and nutrition. So...in order to combat this seemingly "common" thing. I have to give myself Heparin injections twice a day. The Heparin makes my blood less "clotty". This will help me and the baby stay safe against these antibodies my body produces. So...i've been doing this now for a few weeks. It's gotten easier. I've accepted it after a little pity party involving bouts of "this is so unfair".

Now we are at 33 weeks today and I'm super pumped about it!!! I have to be induced because of the clotting issue...so I will go in in 5 weeks and have this baby!!! WAHOO!! I can't wait to meet our little guy/gal on Sept 4th!

Baby stats are great...little bug loves to cover his/her face at every.single.ultrasound. No lie. Last time I drank some caffeine...still face was covered...haha! 3 weeks ago the babe weighed in at 3 lbs. 6 oz. So next week when I have my monthly ultrasound and checkup I'll update the stats. The leg bones are in the 95th percentile for height...gee i wonder where that came from. I'll have a nice long baby for sure! Things that are super positive from this...people who have my blood issues...the baby might be not getting enough nutrition due to a clot on the placenta cutting off life. So a bad sign would be small baby with bad blood flow. The ultrasounds always show...great blood flow and, according to Dr. H, a "a VERY healthy sized tall baby".

Other things of note in the pregnancy so far...
1) We all got to see a 4D ultrasound of our little bug...it was most fabulous. And wonderfully shared with my family and Mike's...I'll post pictures later.
2) Had an amazing shower with friends and family...it made my heart happy.
3) Nursery decorating is so fun! And it's almost done...
4) I LOVE names...and i think one of the most fun parts of not knowing the sex is I get to think about names for both!!
5) Worst part of not knowing was definitely the picking out bedding...So hard!
6) Little babe LOVES worship at Grace Orlando...no lie. Kicks the crap out of my stomach every single sunday. Also...loves Coldplay. :0) Didn't move once for the amazing (insert sarcasm here) Robyn (the opener at the Coldplay concert...remember her show me love song?!).
7) The bug is now so big that I can see when there is movement...butts and heads and elbows and heels...they all go scrolling across my belly. It's wonderful. Mike loves seeing it and feeling it as well.
8) Am having occassional freak outs regarding our life being so drastically different after Sept 4th.

I think that's it for now. I know it sounds long, but give me a break...I just recapped literally 6 months of life! haha!

Things to keep in your mind and prayers today...I have an appointment with the Hematologist...Dr. Schroff...to determine what my treatment for my blood disorders will be after the baby is born and then also when I'm not pregnant what will I have to do. Worst case scenario is shots forever. Best case is just a baby aspirin a day. Of course...we're hoping for the best. :0)

I promise I won't update with weekly ultrasounds...

But just wanted to say...that we got yet another great view of the little booth today. We decided that we don't like saying him/her all the time...or it...so we will call the baby Buddy. Buddy the Elf. :0) Or little buddy...whatever we feel like. So we saw little buddy today and everything looked marvelous again. We have the very best ultrasound tech EVER. She isn't normally supposed to say anything to us about what she sees, but she knows what we've been through and she knows we know a lot more about what should be...than most. So she talks to us...and I love it. Today the heartbeat was 166 BPM measuring .5 inch at 7 weeks 6 days. AND...she pointed out the beginnings of the umbilical cord. Which we have never seen before!!! So now...we wait for next week's appointment...this appointment is fairly large for us...as we have have before been past 8 weeks. So we continue to trust the God bigger than my past realities. We continue to pray for our little buddy that he hangs on grows strong so we can love him for the rest of his life. Each week we get closer to the end of the first trimester, and each week our hope continues to build. At this point...we are allowing that. We are allowing ourselves to be excited. No, we aren't talking about names and picking out nursery decor, but we are excited every day that I "feel pregnant" and rejoice in knowing that God's faithfulness to us through the last 2 years is amazing...something we don't deserve...but something he grants us freely. He welcomes us to be a part of who He is and His plan and I trust that explicitly.

Ultrasound and the return of nervousness....

So today was the first ultrasound and I found myself sitting in the waiting room of the ultrasound place with the return of the nervousness...the anxiousness of the first look. So many expections are wrapped up in the first appointment...will there be little baby there, will there be evidence of anything at all, will there be heartbeat...so many things to think about. But in the midst of the anxiousness, we bravely walked into the room together and saw our little guy's (or gal's) heartbeat!! It was pure magic. We saw it instantly and instantly i was connected. All the nervousness melted away and I found myself verified in all the symptoms I had been feeling over the last week. All those times where I felt little twinges meant that it was "normal". I don't know normal. I have never known what normal is in terms of pregnancy. I can only find myself comparing it to what I know to be abnormal...which for me is normal. So there was a lot of relief for me today in regards to what is considered "normal". I now know that at least for me...what i've been experiencing can be categorized as normal. We saw the little heartbeat beating so strongtly at 122 BPMs and measuring less than .25 inch at 6 weeks 4 days. It was awesome. And so now...we press on to next week...living not in fear of what the future could hold...but in trust that God of this universe hold the future.

Positive!

So we got the green light from the doctor on December 22nd right. On January 5th at 3am...i had to pee. So I did what every logical trying-to-get-pregnant-and-have-it-work person would do. I peed on that stick regardless of what time it was! And at 3 am...it read...PREGNANT!!! WAHOO!!! So i woke up Mike and told him. We prayed...then went back to sleep.

The next morning I called Dr. V to make sure that my current regimen wasn't going to affect the baby. He told me what to do and I did it. I then immediately called the OB/GYN that he referred me to and booked my appointment, called the old doctor and had my records transferred. We did this for many reasons...but the biggest being. We wanted a fresh new start. We wanted doctors that didn't already do the "I'm sorry head tilt". Dr. B's office had great intentions adn they were great for the season that we were in. But now we are moving on to other things...Dr. S knows Dr. V and she knows how he practices medicine. This makes me very comfortable. This means that unlike the other doctors I've encountered...she won't look at me like I have 3 heads and have sprouted horns when I tell her my miscarriage issue might be related to gluten.

So we wait in anticipation for the first ultrasound!!! Yay! :0)

It's not ALL bad...

There are days where I look at what we have gone through and I think to myself...are you kidding me?! There are times where I can look back and remember how hurt and sad we were. I don't dwell on those moments for sure...but I definitely know when I touch the part of my soul that remembers what that feels like. It's a sting...with the knee jerk reaction to pull away and close the door. And then there are moments where I think to myself...how amazing and how thankful am I!

How amazing that we made it through the last 2.5 years as better people both individually and as a couple. We know more about how to handle difficult situations than we ever thought we would know. We know how each other reacts to difficult situations. We know what the other expects and needs during these hard times. We know when to hold each other and when to allow each other to scream and yell in anger. I'm sure we would have figured this out eventually. But we figured it out now...and I'm thankful.

How amazing that we have the love of a God that holds us through this and at the same time allows situations like this to be used for His glory. I cannot tell you the number of times where when I share my story I have the opportunity to tell people in a very real way HOW I made it through. I have learned sooooo much about suffering and its purpose in my walk with Christ that it is amazing. I know that trusting him through these hard times only makes the joy on the other side that much greater knowing that there is no way I would have made it through this without His arms wrapped around me. And I can tell someone now that the only way to bear the burden of loss is by resting in the love of Christ. And because of what I went through...people believe me. I know it's not always the obvious situation that is what it's all about. Yes, we lost babies, and yes that is sad. But think of everything we have gained in strength along the way...think of the other people's lives that are impacted by knowing HOW we made it through. When you think about this...it's amazing...and it's not all bad...and I'm thankful.

How amazing that while there are still those deep pockets of hurt; there are also those moments where I look back and can smile. Sounds odd..I know.

It's not all bad. I mean the situation as a whole is, but there are parts of it for which I am thankful and happy. The other day we were making milkshakes in the kitchen. We love vanilla ice cream milkshakes with chocolate syrup mixed up. And as we were making them; I smiled. Not because it brought me back to miscarriages and in some twisted way this made me smile. But rather.. in that moment I knew that enjoying those milkshakes brought back a memory that ONLY Mike and I share. Only the two of us know that our comfort food during the last miscarriage was vanilla and chocolate milkshakes. No one has this association. And in that moment I looked at Mike and thought...there is no one in the whole world I would rather go through life with than this man. In that moment I smiled because, oddly enough, those milkshakes represent something that strengthened us. I never thought for a single moment that I would ever look back on our past hard times and think anything good. I always thought that all the associated thoughts would be of sadness, hurt and brokenness. But in that milkshake moment...I realized that there was a lot to be thankful for and that it's not all bad.