Gluten...you naughty little culprit

Gluten...the cause of all my issues. I am...Gluten Intolerant. Hi, my name is Kelly, and I have a gluten issue.

The back story. So as you remember from the last post, we found the wonderful Dr. VanLue. He gave me a spit test for hormones and sent me for blood work. Four tubes of spit and nine vials of blood later...we have results!

We went in for the appointment and we were super excited and ultra anxious all at the same time. On the way in...walking through the hall...we did our normal praying as we go in to the doctor. "Dear God, keep us strong for each other, keep us brave and courageous to follow Your guidance, and keep the doctor wise to help us fill out Your plan. God you are bigger than this. And we love you more each day."

The next half hour is something I'll always remember. Even if the plan we are following now doesn't end with us being able to have kids...I will always remember THAT appointment. Years down the road when I'm covered with grandkids...I will ALWAYS remember THAT appointment. As we sat down in his office, a contagious smile spread across Dr.V's face and he could hardly contain his happiness. He started with "So..." He was so excited that all I remember was him fidgeting in his chair and smiling like a tech junkie at an Apple convention. He said, "I know what's wrong...and while I can't make any promises...I KNOW that this will work. I knew the moment we spoke on the phone that God brought us together for a reason. I got a good feeling in my soul about the partnership that we were going to have." He paused for a moment, still smiling, but this time I thought he was going to cry. He was so happy for us...that he was tearing up. Seriously...I will remember that day because it was the first time that I sat in a doctor's office and felt like the doctor understood. I fel like he was interested in our outcome, interested in our emotions, and excited about fixing an issue that is way more complicated than just being "unlucky". He said that when he picked up the file with my test results in it that the nurse gave him...he prayed that the results would be obvious and that he would be able to see clearly what he needed to do to help us. And when he opened the file...he knew exactly what to do for me. This is why he was excited...this is why he was almost in tears. I will remember that day always. And not just because of the results, but because God brought us together for a reason. He was orchestrating his plan long before we lost our babies. When you think back about the events of the last 2 years that statement becomes even more amazing. We could have chosen a lot of different churches in the Central Florida after NewSpring closed. But we chose Grace Orlando. We could have kept trying and kept failing. But we didn't. Good and bad, happy and sad situations of the past...led us to exactly where we are now. Sitting in the office of a man dedicated to Christ, dedicated to using his gifts to bring glory to God, and determined to see us have kids and make healthy choices. I will never forget that day. My heart was happy that day. The discussion in that appointment was something that brought a smile to our face and not tears of disappointment and anger.

So the results...the result is...I have a Gluten sensitivity. Gluten reeks havoc on my insides and causes problems that in the end are affecting my ability to have kids. For a very short lesson in gluten. Gluten is a protein found in wheat, barley and rye. It's a little sticky substance that some people have an "allergic" reaction too. In normal people, gluten is digested. In people with sensitivity issues the immune system freaks out and responds in crazy ways to gluten. I don't have Celiac disease which is more severe of a reaction to gluten where the intestines are actually destroyed by the gluten. But I do have a sensitivity...which causes my entire body to scramble to control the immune response to the gluten I put in body. My body is working overtime and dedicating all it's efforts on fighting the stress that my insides are feeling when they encounter gluten. It is unbelievable the things that gluten is affecting my body. It is causing all my hormones to be used to fight stress inside, it's causing my intestines to improperly digest vitamins and the good things from my food, it's causing my thyroid to under produce hormones, it's causing my progesterone to be low because my thyroid is underproducing...all of these things affect pregnancy and my body's ability to carry a baby. So my body's reaction to gluten is multiple miscarriages. Something i would never have known until I started trying to have kids. But i know now... I also haven't had a headache since August! Which is unbelievable.

So there you have it. I'm gluten intolerant. I haven't had anything with gluten in it since August and I feel great! I feel more energetic, no headaches, and happy that I know more about my body and am one more step closer to finding out if my body can handle little ones of our own. I have learned a lot of new recipes, a lot of things to avoid, a lot of things I can adjust and a lot of ways I can be creative with my new found sensitivity.

So the future plan...I will get my blood tested again at the beginning of December to see how my levels are and then have an appointment with Dr. VanLue and he'll give us the go ahead if everything looks good! Mike is, as always, my rock and my biggest fan. He is eating gluten free with me and putting up with my new ways of doing things. I don't miss it...breads or soups, doughnuts or pastries...every once in a while I wish I could gobble up the cupcake in the bakery window. I will give up anything to know that my little people will be that much healthier because of a little adjustment I have to make to my diet.

It probably seems like a big adjustment to anyone reading this...i mean seriously...nothing with flour in it! But...to me...this is my sacrifice for our family. Giving up gluten in exchange for being able to see the little eyes of our babies staring up at us. It's an easy sacrifice.

Not gonna lie...this update is a little long...

The last blog post left off with my toxic liver. So at the beginning of July we started the plan. The plan included a new food plan and a bunch of nutritional medicines. The point of the food plan was to detox my liver and give it break from processing the crap. I know that detox sounds super trendy, but the reality of it is is that my liver was on overload from the crap of my body. And in order to get rid of the crap, I had to do two steps. One was to take the nutritional medicines, which are like vitamins except whole foods, so it's like crushed up brussel sprouts in a pill form. The point of this was to help heal my liver as it was getting rid of the toxins. The food plan portion was to give my liver a break from processing the crap.

Mike, being as awesome as he is, agreed to do whatever I had to do. So we embarked on the new food plan journey together. No refined sugar, no dairy, and no carbs. At the end of a month I was supposed to have some tests done to compare my beginning results to the end ones. Well...my doctor friend from Iowa and I had some issues getting my blood results across state lines. I literally tried everything. I won't bore you with the hairy details...but they included many phone calls to insurance company, random doctors office, my OB/GYN, my specialist, and a past doctor I'd seen before. All told me the same thing...they didn't want to be the "satellite" doctor. They didn't want to partner up with genius doctor friend at all because they don't really see the point of doing all these tests for miscarriages. So for several weeks I tried and tried...nothin, nada. We were so super frustrated and had no idea where to go next. So we prayed that God would provide the right steps and show them to us. And just like always...He came through...in an unbelievable way.

I kept searching for doctors like my doctor friend here in Florida. And I stumbled upon one we had seen sometime before, but had no need to switch doctors at that point so we passed it up. I went back to an option I had seen before and didn't need at the time called Everything Well. They sounded perfect! The doctor was a functional medicine doctor like genius doctor friend. So I gave them a call up and had a conversation with the patient care coordinator...the fabulous Polly. We chatted and set up an appointment during lunch to chat with Dr. V. Mike and I were super excited...it sounded like everything we had been waiting for. So we waited for our phone call appointment the following week with the doctor. The conversation was amazing...he was warm and kind....he understood...he wanted to help. After a conversation about what was going on, I found myself answering questions more related to how Mike and I were handling the hardships of multiple miscarriages. I found myself discussing the mottos that Mike and I have held fast to this whole time. The two fundatmental things...1) we will not let this define who we are...we will not allow the miscarriages or the process of finding out how to have kids define who we are. We are still Mike and Kelly who have been together for more than 5 years, have a blast laughing together, love each other unbelievably much, and love travelling and friends. We are NOT just Mike and Kelly who have been trying for 2 years to hang onto our babies, or Mike and Kelly who have been pursuing tirelessly the options ahead of them for a family. We do not allow this to define us. And 2) we are strong in this situation because of our God and nothing else. Our marriage has flourished during this time because of Christ and his unfailing love for us and trusting the plan He has for us. And this where it gets super awesome. He goes to our church!!!!! He has been going there since it first started!!!!! And the fabulous Polly...she goes there too!!!!! At the end of the conversation he prayed with us!!!! NO lie! I couldn't make this crap up! The following Sunday we found him and met him and he hugged us like old friends and said he was going to help us. And that is how we found our new fabulous doctor!

He gave me orders to go have my blood taken to compare to the results from genius doctor friend and another kit to test my hormones through my spit. I did both of those around labor day and now we just wait for the results. They should be ready sometime next week! And then we'll go in and talk to him and see what's next. What he suspects and what I think i know...is that I have a gluten sensitivity as well as some sort of auto-immune problem! We have continued to eat healthy according to the plan for the most part. No gluten at all, limited amounts of dairy, and no refined sugars. And I LOVE it! I feel great! When I do eat anything with gluten in it my stomach blows up like a balloon and I burp constantly. It's pretty attractive i know. HA! We'll continue to eat this way. I've learned all kinds of new ways to cook and eat. Mike is putting up with it...even though he says he puts up with a lot of my "greenness". We like being healthy and taking care of ourselves...not just FOR ourselves, but for each other and for our future grandkids and our families. It's a lot easier to make the right choice in health..when you think of it as affecting more people than just yourself.

And that's the latest update. Hopefully I'll have some more updates about our progress in another week or so!

Yeah for a Toxic Liver!!!

I'm sure most people wouldn't be rejoicing at having a toxic liver...but I am! We got my lab results back from genius doctor friend today and good news is...is there is something wrong that we can fix!!!

There are still a few things I don't know and questions I still have to ask. But we are doing that together on Monday. But for now...this is what I know.

I have a "very toxic liver". I'm by no means a doctor and so I can't even begin to know exactly all the things our liver does. But as it relates to me...and our miscarriages. This is what I know. I know that my liver is not processing well because of it being toxic. I know that our sex hormones come from cholesterol so if my liver is not processing them well then I will have issues with my hormones (namely progesterone). This would cause me not to be able to hold on to our babies!!!!

There are a few other things as well, but the biggest one is the liver. I also have an inflamed intestine which is causing me to not absorb good things that well and therefore causing an iron deficiency...another bad thing when you're trying to have babies.

So the plan...the new adjusted plan. I have to start on a "gentle yet thorough detox or clearance" to aid the liver in working properly. I will use whole-food nutritional medicines and make sure that i'm getting the right nutrients/minerals found in whole foods to aid in healing my liver.

Questions I'll ask...how long does liver detox take and how did I get toxic to begin with!? Along with the specifics of my detox. These things I'll have answer for on Monday after my phone conversation with genius doctor friend. We literally could not be more thankful for him...he has been a HUGE help in our journey. He has taken the time out of his busy life to help us. It hasn't been easy. Maybe we'll name our kid after him...hehe!

We are soooooo excited to know something. We are so excited that our genius doctor friend feels confident in what the issue is. Never thought we'd ever be so excited about toxicity in either of our bodies!! Until Monday....

There are no guarantees...

There are no guarantees. Life is full of risks. This is at times both a person's worst fear and greatest exhiliration.

I remember back when Mike and I first got married, we would talk plans. Nothing wrong with plans at all! In fact...I like plans...loose plans. I like an agenda, but not a rigid schedule. I like plans, but not unwavering steadfastness to the hours that are scheduled out in Excel. So when we were first married...we made our family plans. We planned where we would live, when we were comfortable having our kids, how many kids, how far apart, when we would buy a house, when we would be done paying off debt...etc. We made those plans with the best intentions. No regrets on those plans. However, when I look back at those plans, I realize...none of those plans actually went according to the said plan. But...the veer offs from the plan have provided us amazing memories, added character, and allowed us a much broader view of other people's lives. I would change nothing...

We planned to buy a house a year after we got married. Well, house prices were ridiculously high and banks were basically throwing money at us to buy. We prayed, readjusted the plan, and now we have a great loan, a great house we can "play castle" in, in a great neighborhood without sacrificing our life to huge debt, bad loans, in an okay house. This happened 2 years after we got married. Not one.

We planned to have 4 kids...we planned to have those kids starting when we were comfortable with who we were as a couple...when we felt like we had established a solid marriage that could withstand the craziness of kids. However, we aren't even one kid into our 4 kid plan and we will be married for 5 years in a couple weeks. We thought we would start our grand plan in 2009. Here we are halfway through 2011 and we are still working on it. And while our original plan was 4 kids on top of a strong marriage; we now have an exceptionally amazing marriage built on the hope of one day having those kids. And not according to our plan, but according to God's plan. We have learned to go through grief together, we have learned how to hope together, we have learned how to trust God together, we have learned together that at God's timing and in HIS plan...we will have those kids. I wouldn't trade those things for a million dollars...I treasure the memories good and bad that Mike and I share through this whole journey. There is no one who knows what it's like to be us...except us. Us. I like that...strike that...I love us. And if veering off the plan that we set up 5 years ago...gave me what we have today...then that is best non-followed plan in the history of the world.

Over the last few days...a few things have happened both to people I know and people I only know by association. A couple that went to Grace long before I did just recently lost their triplet boys. She was 22 weeks...just 2 weeks shy of the "they can make it" line...when one triplet's water broke which forced them to be delivered and only live for a few treasured minutes. I am sure that this was not in their plan. I'm sure no parent that finds out that they are going to have babies thinks to themselves...let's plan for some drama in the middle followed by having to hold our babies as they take their last breaths. This was NOT their plan. I'm sure one day they'll look back at this as a memory with very real pangs of sadness attached to it. But they will have adjusted their plan.

My manager at work lost his 21 year old daughter this week. She had chronic anemia coupled with some sort of auto-immune disease. It caused her to get sick very easily, get fevers that took all the oxygen from her blood, and take weeks to recover from something you and I can get over in days. She was admitted to the hospital and 6 days later she was in the arms of our Savior. I'm sure that my bosses plan was NOT to have his 21 year old intelligent, boisterous college daughter taken from this earth. I'm sure he didn't think to himself when he saw her being born. Well too bad we only planned 21 years for you to be with us. This was NOT his plan. And I'm sure one day they'll look back at this as a memory with very real pangs of sadness of losing her after raising her and getting to know her for 21 years. But...they will have adjusted their plans.

It occurred to me as these things were going on, and of course coupled with my own multiple miscarriage situation, that it doesn't matter if you adopt, have biological children, make it through the first trimester, go through the birth, see them graduate college or see them get married. There are no guarantees that life will work out exactly how we plan it.

As I struggle through the thought process behind this concept I realize that I have a gift that I wish every single person in this world had. I have the inexplicable joy knowing that my plan sucks. I mean really...our plans are sucky compared to the plans of the Man that can hold the stars in his hands. I want HIM to be making my plans. We think we have made the best plan for our life and yet God says...wait...I have even better plans for you. Really?! Better?! but I made these up myself God...how can they be better than what my selfish desires are for my life are. I mean I wouldn't make a stupid plan with stupid dreams for my life...no way! And He says to us...trust me...I know better. I know you..better than YOU know YOU. And if you can just hold on, love ME, trust ME...you'll be much better off on the other side...I PROMISE. And just like that...we are free. We are free from our rigid schedule and our unwavering steadfastness to OUR plan. We are free from the fear that life is precious and could go unexpectedly wrong. Yes we can make plans...they are still good. But when things don't go just like we hope...remember to stop, trust in Him, love Him...it's better than you would ever imagine. He love us THAT much. And that is incredible. THAT makes me happy and THAT is what I live for.

So we can choose to be paralized by fear that life is risky with no guarantees, or we can choose to rest easy in the arms of our Father knowing HIS plan is the one that matters. I have said many times in the last 2 years...my God is bigger than this. There may be no guarantees that life will go as YOU have planned it. But there is a promise that it will go just as God has designed it. And is my peace, my comfort, and my hope. These things are never misplaced if they are placed in Christ.

She just gets me...

I may be an extrovert...but there are parts of me that remain introverted. There are certain times in my life where I want to be by myself, where I become overwhelmed with too much chaos and loudness, and there are also many things that I keep to myself. Not in a bad way, but in a...i don't think everyone cares to know all these weird, sad, happy things about me. But...there are people in my life that love me deeply; that know my heart and soul. They know these things about me because they invest their time and soul into knowing me. It's not like I sat these people down and took out my powerpoint agenda and went through a whole Couple Retreat type presentation on the high's and lows of my life and why they would benefit from knowing these things. These people know who I am because they care to know...because they love me and because we share our lives together. One of these people is my sissy...Kari.

She is by far...one of my very best friends. In fact, in addition to Mike, she is the person who truly knows me best. She is an amazing sister and friend. She loves deeply, is fiercely loyal, is an amazing mama, and is thoughtful beyond words. She has the ability to calm wild and crazy people, the personality that stands up for what is right and for what she believes in, and a passion for making those people she loves...feel loved. We have shared many things over the years...and I wouldn't trade those things for anything in the world. We have had good time for sure! And we have shared sad times as well. But the point is...she knows me. In the very moment where I think to myself...no one else around me knows what it's like to almost have a child and then lose it...I am reminded that her and Tyler faced that very thing with their almost adopted baby. When I laugh out loud to myself at a someone donning the most completely ridiculous outfit in a store or when I do something in public that is completely embarrassing...in that moment I know that if she would have just seen the outfit or witnessed my public embarrassment...she too would be laughing out loud. When I just feel like browsing Crate and Barrel or Anthropologie and I think to myself...who wants to drive there with me just so I can possible walk out with nothing buy...she would. We share similarities and yet we are completely different. We share our souls...and that is something that will never change.

The reason this blog post is being written is because of my birthday present from her. I realize it was a month ago...but I had to give myself time to write with a clear head and not short circuit my keyboard from all the tears that would have come had I written this directly after she gave me my present. This is what she gave me...

So when I opened the present I was already in love with it! And then when she explained it...I had no words...just a heart full of joy and love. We just held each other and cried.

The explanation...M&K obviously is for Mike and Kelly...Booth our last name. And those 3 beautiful pearls...my 3 babies that never made it to my arms. And just when you thought it couldn't possibly get anymore thoughtful and amazing...it does. Those 3 pearls are very purposefully colored. They are colored the birth month color for the months in which my babies would have been born. June = white pearl, March = aquamarine, and September = sapphire. It's my family...it's me, mike and our little babes. This very gift is EXACTLY what I've been writing about. No one understands me like she does. Who in the world takes the time to remember when my maybe babies would have been born, who takes the time to design it and order it special for me...she does. She wanted me to know that she knows...she wanted me to be able to have something to think of them by. And it's all because she loves me...she truly truly loves me. She has seen my pain and remembers always that it stays with me and I think of our babies often. She is the one that knows those dates are hard for me and on those days writes me a card and give me flowers. She knows that mother's day has a different meaning for me at this point in my life because I can't hold my babies that my heart loved from day one. And so there was no more perfect gift than that necklace. I wear it always. I wore it for our family pictures...I wear it at work, church, sometimes at night. And the best part is...i don't have to share what it means with anyone else unless I want to. She made it so that it's discreet. She made it so that I know what it means and my family knows what it means, but i don't have to tell the story over and over to strangers if I don't want to. Sometimes I look at that necklace and I just cry...not all the time do I cry because I'm sad. But because the necklace reminds me of my sister and her awesomeness and her thoughtfulness. It reminds me that she gets it... She is amazing woman, a strong woman, a devoted wife and mom, and an unbelievably thoughtful and loving friend. Her friendship calms me and our silent understanding of each other lives...make my heart smile. There is no one like her. I love her.

She just gets me...

Some days are harder than others...

I'm usually a pretty positive person...especially on this blog. I mean the content in and of itself is not so positive (miscarriage etc). I try not to complain, but rather just state the feelings and emotions behind my life so that other who have been there can relate, and so that those who love me can understand my brain and heart. I'm not trying to make people feel bad for us; just trying to be honest and real about life. But...we all know that not every day is perfect and that not even the most bravest/strongest of people can hold up to the stresses of life every single minute of every single day.

Some days are harder than others...

Some days it's all I can think about.. with every little thing reminding me of our past sad pregnancies and every pregnant lady passing by with me thinking that she can't possibly love her baby as much as I would love mine if I would be given that opportunity.

Some days it just passes by without noticing the dads holding their little girls in line at the store, or the love you can just feel in the exchanged glances between parents when the kids do something funny.

The other night was a night where I just couldn't shake the realness of my emotions. I was already having kind of a rough day emotionally and then...we watched Parenthood. Which seriously has to be one of my favorite shows of all time. And of course, given the name of the show, they were dealing with possible losses of kids, and kids growing up, and parents not being able to have anymore kids, and new babies being born. And it was all I could do to hold myself together. The show, on top of rising emotions, was a recipe for a meltdown.

Not one thing usually leads to a meltdown. As I do with a lot of situations, I hold in my feelings...deal with them on my own...process on my own...get over it (never completely) on my own. And seemingly...move on. But what I forget about EVERY SINGLE TIME is that when I hold it in...and think I let go of it...I haven't. It stays...just a teensy piece of it remains...but it's there. It's there threatening to pile itself on top of the little piece left from the last time I held it in. And piece by piece these emotions build this shaky house of cards until the emotion runs by and knocks it down like a bully in a sandbox at the park. This is what causes my certifiable meltdowns. It's made up of hard baby days from the last weeks that I push aside and from moments where I swallow my deep gut desire to be a mama.

The meltdown is completely magnificent to be honest. It involves a LOT of realization, a LOT of love from Mikey, and a LOT of emotional release. Each time the emotions are just a twinge different than the last meltdown. It's funny though...as time passes the meltdowns become less frequent...but when they do come they are more magnificent than the ones at the beginning!

This meltdown consisted of some hard truths. I am terrified to try again, I am not ready yet to try again, I'm annoyed that I can't be as resilient as Mike is, and I'm immensely angered by the lack of answer I have for my situation. The cry was for the simple fact...that this is unfair...Why can't someone tell me right now what the problem is and fix it right now? Why can't I be one of those people who just thinks about having a baby and bam...I'm pregnant? Why can't I get over the pain? Why have I been robbed any sort of normal pregnancy excitement for the rest of my life?

My heart hurts...because no matter how much I tell myself that having the freedom to go on vacation when we want, go to a movie when we want, sleep in, walk around naked, or take last minute trips is so great. The truth is...deep down in my heart of hearts...I was born to be a mama. I love loving. If I could find a job that would support me by just making people feel loved and special...I would do it. In a heartbeat. I will love our future children more than I know I can even imagine right now. My heart wants to protect a little person and my heart wants to love a little person. I want to look into their little eyes and see us looking back. I want them to know that we have their back and we love them always. I want them to know they can always come to us. I know that Mike and I will be great parents...if for no other reason than it is what we have been waiting for our whole life.

Weird

So tonight I turned off my Sunday morning alarm. I turned off the alarm that has gone off at 5:30 am for the last 3+ years. And to some this might seem like a reason to be ecstatic. And believe me...if the circumstances were different and this were a vacation...I would have been ecstatic. But it was just weird...and a little sad. For more than 3 years I have had the awesome opportunity to be a part of a church plant. NewSpring Church affected my life in ways I would have never expected it to. Who would have thought that I would have learned so much?! Not only have I learned what it takes to run a church from behind the scenes, but I have also had the chance apply the biblical guidelines for my life as believer into my real life. I have seen lives changed because of NewSpring. I have seen God use hard times to build character into his earthly kingdom. I have learned deeper what it means to TRULY be committed to Christ and the reason He placed me on this earth. I have learned that having a servants heart and attitude goes further than just being a nice person sitting in the seats on a Sunday morning. And because of that important lesson...God has allowed me to experience the joy of seeing lives changed and that makes me smile...and THAT makes me understand why God puts so much importance in a committment to His standards. On the surface those "standards" might look a lot like rules. But those "standards" have changed my life over the years and those "standards" brought way more joy to my heart than I EVER would have expected. Those joys that I have felt while serving and being committed to NewSpring...are irreplaceable. Yes...church plants are hard...yes it is frustrating sometimes to see people who just don't get it...frustrating being the first to get there on Sunday's and the last to leave...frustrating to see people with the wrong perception of what being committed to the church means...frustrating to see those people who are missing out on what it means to commit to not just a life in Christ, but a life being lived IN Christ. But in the end...it isn't the frustrations that dictate my life...it is the joy I feel knowing that my life has meaning in Christ. That those people that I come in contact with, and that NewSpring had the chance to touch, are able to see Jesus in me. John Piper says in his book Desiring God that "God stands on the far side of the other people in our lives. We can only reach out to him if we reach out to them. We live for them to live for him." NewSpring provided that for me. It provided the opportunity to live for them... NewSpring also put me in contact with some of the planet's most amazingly dedicated, passionate and committed people I have ever known. Kirt and Tyler were amazing leaders. They are godly, but on top of that...they were wildly passionate about NewSpring and it's vision. Through their leadership I was able to see first hand that that type of passion really does exist!! And if I can harness 5% of that then I would be a better person than I was before. They love their families, they love their God, and they loved NewSpring. They gave up a lot at times to dedicate their lives to NewSpring and to follow the calling God placed in their hearts. This is truly amazing. And of course...the band. Oh how I love the NewSpring band. We evolved into an awesome team of people that were committed to one love. We might not have started from day one together...but darn it...we finished strong and we finished as friends. I wouldn't have wanted to spend my early Sunday morning hours and afternoon lunches with any other group than this group that took NewSpring home. They are such talented people...it amazed me at times..and other times I thought...why am I amazed...God made them crazy talented and brought them to NewSpring at the perfect time. I seriously LOVED playing with them for the last year or so. These people are amazing...they are talented...they are passionate and they are my friends. We have weathered many things together both in our personal lives and at NewSpring and yet each Sunday morning...we put all the commotion of life aside to play our freakin' hearts out for God. Each of them oozed love for Jesus and that is inspiring. Our fearless leader, the great TZ... he not only dedicated his life to NewSpring vision, but also to us...personally holding us accountable to higher standards and a deeper love. He genuninely cared about us and wanted life to be good for us. He did soooo much work that we didn't even see. We love that guy. I mean I love that guy because he's the best thing in the entire world for my sister and their little gal. I know that he thinks of them first and that he provides for them always. I know that my sister and Emery will ALWAYS be taken care of and that they will always be lead by a man who love his God first and foremost. I know that when he stands before Christ...he will be rewarded for both his dedication to life in Christ and his leadership and love for his family. While I might have hated him at first because he was stealing my sister from me...I love the guy now. I will miss playing every Sunday with him at the helm. NewSpring touched many lives over the 4 years that it existed. And I am proud to say that I was a part of that. NewSpring is done, but the things I have learned are not. So tonight when I turned off my alarm...it was weird. I layed there in bed for a moment knowing I would miss hearing the alarm and had a few tears for the times that we had together as a team. A team of dedicated NewSpring servants...

I love when a plan comes together.

So we had a plan...we HAVE a plan and we have been sticking too it and getting great news along the way!!

So...since the last blog entry I have done a few things.

1) The HSG test, aka. the dye test. This was the test where they injected dye in me that outlined my uterus and showed if it was shaped right and made sure that there were no other anatomical issues (bad tubes etc). For those people that have done this...I'm sorry. For those people getting ready to do this...it is uncomfortable and hurts. But it's not horrible and nothing like a miscarriage. :0)

Good news from this = my uterus is shaped just fine!!! AND my tubes are just great! So that was a HUGE relief. Since those are anatomical things...they would be harder to fix than other things I'm working on. So that was GREAT news for us.

2) Chromosome test...it's a blood draw that they test to make sure that my chromosomes are in the right order. If Mike's were wrong and mine were wrong...we would never successfully make a baby because my body would always reject it due to "chromosomal abnormalities".

Good new from this = my chromosomes were great!!!

3) Egg quality test...this is a blood draw as well. This tests to make sure I have good eggs and that they are top shelf vodka and not Natty Ice beer.

Good news from this = my eggs are of "excellent quality"! WAHOOO!!!!!

Another part of the plan that I did NOT explain in the last post was my functional medicine part of life. What that means is...is that deep in my soul...i know there is a reason my body rejects our babies. I know that it's not just as easy as shooting me up with hormones and MAKING me keep the babies. I want to know WHY. I want to know what is causing my body to do this and I want to fix it. Not just so we can have babies...but so that the body God gave me lasts for as long as it can. Most doctors would just say I'm unlucky...or it's just what happens...or maybe next time you'll get lucky...or we can give you injections to make your body think everything is ok. Functional medicine doctors find the cause of the symptom.

I'm not saying that anyone who takes the injections is wrong. I'm saying for me...I'm an answers type girl. I don't want to cover up the problem and not figure out what the heck is going on. So...luckily for me...I have a good friend from college who is a doctor. And not just any doctor. He's a functional medicine doctor...which means that he gets to the root cause. He follows the issue back using all kinds of tests to track what exactly is going on and why my body is behaving like this. He helps women like me figure out why we miscarry or why some can't get preggo at all. We've been chatting back and forth about my issues and he offered to help me even though he is in Iowa! So, of course, I took him up on it!

So I've been working with Zac to figure out what the issue is. I will attempt to explain in a very basic way (since I'm not smart enough to do any more than that!). Basically from the tests we've done so far...we know this. We know that my body is stressed out. And while I don't feel stressed...something inside my body is causing it to think it's stressed. So then we did another test...it showed some other things that helped him know that my "stress" was causing my hormones to go out of whack. It appears as though...my intestines are not absorbing the right amount of vitamins. Which means that...they are releasing bacteria into my body. And because of that...my body attacks this bacteria and fights with all it's might to keep it away from all my parts. This bacteria causes stress to my body...which is causing my body to say...."I will only help those things that are necessary and anything other than the basics is out of the question to support". Therefore...baby is out of the question. So...now we go deeper. We need to figure out why my intestines are freaking out. It could be a food allergy...but it also could be a metal sensitivity. Which is the path we are going down right now based on a few other findings.

So this week...i'm going to get blood drawn and send it off to the lab to get tested to see if I have a sensitivity to metals. The reason this is important is....if I have this sensitivity then what would happen is...the metals would be in my body causing stress and pissing off my hormones. When the hormones are pissed...babies don't work out. So I need to see if metals are an issue for me. You might be wondering...how exactly does one acquire metals...it can be from a LOT of different ways. It can be from second hand cigarette smoke, from work environment, a factory, foods we eat, and losing weight. So...anything can cause metal to come into our bodies...the difference is...is that some people have a sensitivity and others don't. Most people go on with life and never know a difference. Other people don't have immediate reactions (nausea etc), but rather have long term implications (like me and miscarriages). So I need to see if I have this sensitivity and if i do...i need to stop with foods that contain metal and also get rid of the metal (which I'm not quite sure of that process yet).

The summary is...body is stressed...could be because metal is in there and it doesn't like it. So find out if it's metal and get rid of it...thus getting rid of the stress. If it's not...go down one of the other paths to see what is causing the stress.

I know this is a lot of information...but the takeaway from this is. I have no anatomical issues which is awesome!!! I just have hormone balance issues that can be fixed! We just have to figure out what is causing it. After we figure that out...we can adjust...and then test my hormones again to make sure all is good and then....try again!!!!

So...

ute = great

eggs = great

chromosomes = great

Upcoming plan...

Metal test

Each day we find out a little more. We are willing to be patient and find out what is going on. We are willing to spend the extra money on non-insurance covered tests to help us get answers. And mostly we are willing to trust God's timing and be sure to learn the lessons along the way making this experience that much richer.

I love it when a plan comes together...

We have a plan!!!

So today was the first visit to my new Reproductive Medicine doctor. I will admit that I was skeptical. There are a few things that have caused me to create walls with doctors who try to "fix" me.

Let's start with a short summary of why I have these walls of skepticism. First miscarriage, "This is unfortunate, only 5% of pregnancies end in ectopic (egg getting stuck in the tube) and only 2% of that 5% get stuck in the ovaries as opposed to the tubes." They chalked it up to just a fluke. A random unfortunate circumstance. "Don't worry" they said, "the next one will be fine I'm sure." Second miscarriage, "Well, I realize that this is your second loss, but we don't really do any additional testing until after 2 miscarriages and since these two weren't exactly the same...there isn't a point in testing at this point." Hmm interesting you're telling someone who has been through two terrifyingly difficult emotional situations that there is no point and we just have to "wait and see if it happens again". Wow. Third miscarriage apparently got their attention and they referred me to some psycho jackass that proceeded to tell me his assessment of my recurring losses was because I was "just unlucky". No lie...he said that. He spent more time commenting on how warm my sweater looked and how cold it was outside than he did on his awe-inspiring speech of unluckiness. Needless to say I was pissed and very hurt.

I realize that the average person, after hearing that they are unlucky, isn't as affected by the words. However, normal people don't have 3 miscarriages and spend weeks, months and years constantly battling the thoughts about how they feel broken and unlucky. Going into each appointment and with each miscarriage, I am faced with the ever present battle of reminding myself that I am not broken and that God has a plan...reminding myself that I'm not unlucky and that Jesus holds the plan for our family in the perfect time. I am sure that Mike can tell you the countless times he has had to reitterate that I am not broken and unlucky and that he loves me regardless of our situation and that even if for whatever reason I was broken...he doesn't love me because I can or can't have kids...he loves me for who I am. I AM...he didn't conduct an interview before we got married where he said, "Well, can you have kids?...then yes! I will love you. But if that goes wrong, I'm out." Good thing huh?!

So when I go into an appointment and the specialist verbalizes what I work very hard at combatting and tells me I'm unlucky...you can see how this affects me. Needless to say...the appointment ended with me being speechless and driving home in tears.

So to summarize the reasons for my skepticism...

• "It was a rare unfortunate thing, you'll be fine next time" (only to miscarry 2 more times)
• "There really is no point in doing further testing until it happens again" (after the second time)
• "You're just unlucky" (professional opinion after my 3rd one)

After a few weeks of contemplation and healing; I forged on and made the appointment with the doctor I selected. I realized at this point that one was going to offer the kind of help I wanted and so I went in search of this myself. I found Center for Reproductive Medicine and felt a bit hopeful, but of course still convinced that they too would tell me nothing and perhaps this time tell me "You're broken". But I remained positive and I'm glad I did!

The appointment today was great! My exact description to Mike on the phone was that this time it felt like it was the beginning of a conversation and not the end. The people were fabulous and the doctor was searching for answer; not trying to get rid of me and not trying to waste my time with idle sweater conversations. After one pee test, a finger prick, a visit from my all too familiar friend..the internal ultrasound machine (which my sister and I have now decided to call it the dildo cam...sorry for the graphic content), two consultations and about 45 minutes of health history questioning...I have a plan! WE have a plan.

The results of today gave me no final answer; and that's ok. Even though no final answers were given today; a plan was established and that makes me very excited. We have some direction and we have some real possibilities of answers to our issues. My next steps are the first level of infertility testing (PS. I have learned that infertility is not just limited to not being able to GET pregnant, but also not being able to STAY pregnant). Based on some things he saw in the ultrasound...he suggested 3 things.

1. An HSG test (Hysterosalpingography) which is basically shooting dye into my uterus that will coat my uterus and then taking an x-ray so they can see if I have any polyps on my uterus lining, or any blockage in my tubes and most importantly if I have a heart-shaped uterus. While the heart-shaped uterus sounds sweet and lovely...it could actually be what is causing my issues. Most people have an upside down triangle shaped uterus. In some women, their uterus is more shaped like a heart which cause a whole bunch of issues with the baby attaching right and getting the right nutrients. So today he saw what he thinks is a heart-shaped uterus (it was hard to tell on the machine). Therefore, he wants to rule that out and expose any other possible issues using the HSG test. This test is scheduled for next Friday.
2. Egg Quality test. The test is exactly what it says it is. They take blood and test it and are able to see what kind of egg quality I have.
3. Chromosome test. This test will test to see if I have a little reversal of chromosomes. I can have the chromosomes switched up and be just fine. BUT if they are messed up AND, by some crazy odds, Mike's are messed up too...then babies will never live.

So they drew blood in the office today for the egg and chromosome test and I'll have the results in a few weeks. The dye test is next friday and I'll have the results of that immediately. Depending on all the results we will decide where to go from there.

So no answer, but a plan. And I'm sooo happy for a plan and oddly enough I'm soooo happy that today was not about the answers. I need my man and my best friend in life to be there when the answers are given. My family has been amazing at supporting us in this journey, and I am so thankful for them. I really really am. Mom coming with me to appointments when Mike can't', sister calling to check on me after EVERY appointment and ALWAYS knowing the details. However, Mike knows the loss. He knows the journey intimately because it is, after all, OUR journey. When he's with me holding my hand during dildo cam, I know it'll be ok. I can feel him loving me and I can feel him understanding and knowing what our life is in the land of baby making. And so even though there were no answers today; I am glad. Answers will be hard I think and will be scary and perhaps they will end our trying. And so if I can postpone that for another day and not have to absorb too much in one day...then i'm a fan of that. :0) We have a plan.

Time is a funny thing...

I've come to the conclusion that time is a funny thing. It really is. Sometimes it goes fast...other times it crawls or stands still...it's been known to heal wounds and we've been warned all our lives to not waste it because it's precious. While I wait for Mike's special work assignment to end...it crawls. Yet when I look at how much time has already passed since he left; I can't believe it's already been a month. When I look at my newest amazing niece Emery and how she's grown up and become an irreplaceable part of my life...it seems to have flown by. Yet when I think of how much she still has ahead of her it seems as though it is crawling and that she will forever be 7 months old. And when I think about my life over the past year and half it seems to stop as I cling to promise that it will heal my wounds; all the while being reminded not to waste it. Time is tricky. It feels so subjective. It seems to live in the emotion of the given situation. Slow when you're waiting, long when you're grieving, and short with those joyous moments.

After having these 3 miscarriages...I know my timeline of emotions. I know the time of physical recovery and I know the time of emotional recovery. And what I know right this moment is I have passed one of those thresholds of time and I'm so excited to be moving on! I will explain...

There are phases I go through emotionally after having a miscarriage. I go through the normal emotions associated with loss like denial, anger and sadness, but getting to the place where I can see myself moving forward with trying again and taking the steps necessary to see what issues my body...takes a while. When it first happens...the miscarriage that is...I refuse to ever try again. I refuse it because I convince myself it will just happen again and because they are extremely painful. Then after the pain is over and recovery starts; i start to feel thankful that I have my body back and that I'm not pregnant with worries about healthy babies. I see myself doing all those things that I would not be allowed to do if I was pregnant. I picture myself riding roller coasters while eating sushi and carrying a dresser while painting the walls in the hot tub after having slept in. I begin to think that maybe Mike and I are ok without kids. Then during those hard "baby days" as we call them (days where the sadness returns)...I realize I want nothing more than to be a mama. And after enough of those days, I get to where I am right now...the moment where I'm ready to start doing my research AGAIN on why my body continues to reject these little lives. I am ready to see new doctors who I will have to tell my history too AGAIN. And I'm ready to face the reality that I will never be guaranteed that it will never happen again...and it very well could happen again. But at this stage...I accept that it could happen...that I could have the pain and that I will have to experience the reserved excitement of a pregnancy test and another walk down the long hallway to the ultrasound room where the nurses all know us now and are holding their breath for good news. But at this stage...those things are ok. They don't bother me. The only thing I can think of at this stage is that I want to be a mama. I see babies and I want to have one to fill my arms and my heart. I want to see Mike with a baby. I want to love a little person and have them stare back at me with love. I want to take care of a little life. And suddenly those vivid memories of pain, crying and loss are exactly that...memories. And time, at that point, seems to have flown by since the news that our little twins were no longer living. And time, at that point, seems to become precious with no desire to waste it. It seems to crawl as we eagerly wait to meet our little one...someday.