We have a plan!!!

So today was the first visit to my new Reproductive Medicine doctor. I will admit that I was skeptical. There are a few things that have caused me to create walls with doctors who try to "fix" me.

Let's start with a short summary of why I have these walls of skepticism. First miscarriage, "This is unfortunate, only 5% of pregnancies end in ectopic (egg getting stuck in the tube) and only 2% of that 5% get stuck in the ovaries as opposed to the tubes." They chalked it up to just a fluke. A random unfortunate circumstance. "Don't worry" they said, "the next one will be fine I'm sure." Second miscarriage, "Well, I realize that this is your second loss, but we don't really do any additional testing until after 2 miscarriages and since these two weren't exactly the same...there isn't a point in testing at this point." Hmm interesting you're telling someone who has been through two terrifyingly difficult emotional situations that there is no point and we just have to "wait and see if it happens again". Wow. Third miscarriage apparently got their attention and they referred me to some psycho jackass that proceeded to tell me his assessment of my recurring losses was because I was "just unlucky". No lie...he said that. He spent more time commenting on how warm my sweater looked and how cold it was outside than he did on his awe-inspiring speech of unluckiness. Needless to say I was pissed and very hurt.

I realize that the average person, after hearing that they are unlucky, isn't as affected by the words. However, normal people don't have 3 miscarriages and spend weeks, months and years constantly battling the thoughts about how they feel broken and unlucky. Going into each appointment and with each miscarriage, I am faced with the ever present battle of reminding myself that I am not broken and that God has a plan...reminding myself that I'm not unlucky and that Jesus holds the plan for our family in the perfect time. I am sure that Mike can tell you the countless times he has had to reitterate that I am not broken and unlucky and that he loves me regardless of our situation and that even if for whatever reason I was broken...he doesn't love me because I can or can't have kids...he loves me for who I am. I AM...he didn't conduct an interview before we got married where he said, "Well, can you have kids?...then yes! I will love you. But if that goes wrong, I'm out." Good thing huh?!

So when I go into an appointment and the specialist verbalizes what I work very hard at combatting and tells me I'm unlucky...you can see how this affects me. Needless to say...the appointment ended with me being speechless and driving home in tears.

So to summarize the reasons for my skepticism...

• "It was a rare unfortunate thing, you'll be fine next time" (only to miscarry 2 more times)
• "There really is no point in doing further testing until it happens again" (after the second time)
• "You're just unlucky" (professional opinion after my 3rd one)

After a few weeks of contemplation and healing; I forged on and made the appointment with the doctor I selected. I realized at this point that one was going to offer the kind of help I wanted and so I went in search of this myself. I found Center for Reproductive Medicine and felt a bit hopeful, but of course still convinced that they too would tell me nothing and perhaps this time tell me "You're broken". But I remained positive and I'm glad I did!

The appointment today was great! My exact description to Mike on the phone was that this time it felt like it was the beginning of a conversation and not the end. The people were fabulous and the doctor was searching for answer; not trying to get rid of me and not trying to waste my time with idle sweater conversations. After one pee test, a finger prick, a visit from my all too familiar friend..the internal ultrasound machine (which my sister and I have now decided to call it the dildo cam...sorry for the graphic content), two consultations and about 45 minutes of health history questioning...I have a plan! WE have a plan.

The results of today gave me no final answer; and that's ok. Even though no final answers were given today; a plan was established and that makes me very excited. We have some direction and we have some real possibilities of answers to our issues. My next steps are the first level of infertility testing (PS. I have learned that infertility is not just limited to not being able to GET pregnant, but also not being able to STAY pregnant). Based on some things he saw in the ultrasound...he suggested 3 things.

1. An HSG test (Hysterosalpingography) which is basically shooting dye into my uterus that will coat my uterus and then taking an x-ray so they can see if I have any polyps on my uterus lining, or any blockage in my tubes and most importantly if I have a heart-shaped uterus. While the heart-shaped uterus sounds sweet and lovely...it could actually be what is causing my issues. Most people have an upside down triangle shaped uterus. In some women, their uterus is more shaped like a heart which cause a whole bunch of issues with the baby attaching right and getting the right nutrients. So today he saw what he thinks is a heart-shaped uterus (it was hard to tell on the machine). Therefore, he wants to rule that out and expose any other possible issues using the HSG test. This test is scheduled for next Friday.
2. Egg Quality test. The test is exactly what it says it is. They take blood and test it and are able to see what kind of egg quality I have.
3. Chromosome test. This test will test to see if I have a little reversal of chromosomes. I can have the chromosomes switched up and be just fine. BUT if they are messed up AND, by some crazy odds, Mike's are messed up too...then babies will never live.

So they drew blood in the office today for the egg and chromosome test and I'll have the results in a few weeks. The dye test is next friday and I'll have the results of that immediately. Depending on all the results we will decide where to go from there.

So no answer, but a plan. And I'm sooo happy for a plan and oddly enough I'm soooo happy that today was not about the answers. I need my man and my best friend in life to be there when the answers are given. My family has been amazing at supporting us in this journey, and I am so thankful for them. I really really am. Mom coming with me to appointments when Mike can't', sister calling to check on me after EVERY appointment and ALWAYS knowing the details. However, Mike knows the loss. He knows the journey intimately because it is, after all, OUR journey. When he's with me holding my hand during dildo cam, I know it'll be ok. I can feel him loving me and I can feel him understanding and knowing what our life is in the land of baby making. And so even though there were no answers today; I am glad. Answers will be hard I think and will be scary and perhaps they will end our trying. And so if I can postpone that for another day and not have to absorb too much in one day...then i'm a fan of that. :0) We have a plan.

Time is a funny thing...

I've come to the conclusion that time is a funny thing. It really is. Sometimes it goes fast...other times it crawls or stands still...it's been known to heal wounds and we've been warned all our lives to not waste it because it's precious. While I wait for Mike's special work assignment to end...it crawls. Yet when I look at how much time has already passed since he left; I can't believe it's already been a month. When I look at my newest amazing niece Emery and how she's grown up and become an irreplaceable part of my life...it seems to have flown by. Yet when I think of how much she still has ahead of her it seems as though it is crawling and that she will forever be 7 months old. And when I think about my life over the past year and half it seems to stop as I cling to promise that it will heal my wounds; all the while being reminded not to waste it. Time is tricky. It feels so subjective. It seems to live in the emotion of the given situation. Slow when you're waiting, long when you're grieving, and short with those joyous moments.

After having these 3 miscarriages...I know my timeline of emotions. I know the time of physical recovery and I know the time of emotional recovery. And what I know right this moment is I have passed one of those thresholds of time and I'm so excited to be moving on! I will explain...

There are phases I go through emotionally after having a miscarriage. I go through the normal emotions associated with loss like denial, anger and sadness, but getting to the place where I can see myself moving forward with trying again and taking the steps necessary to see what issues my body...takes a while. When it first happens...the miscarriage that is...I refuse to ever try again. I refuse it because I convince myself it will just happen again and because they are extremely painful. Then after the pain is over and recovery starts; i start to feel thankful that I have my body back and that I'm not pregnant with worries about healthy babies. I see myself doing all those things that I would not be allowed to do if I was pregnant. I picture myself riding roller coasters while eating sushi and carrying a dresser while painting the walls in the hot tub after having slept in. I begin to think that maybe Mike and I are ok without kids. Then during those hard "baby days" as we call them (days where the sadness returns)...I realize I want nothing more than to be a mama. And after enough of those days, I get to where I am right now...the moment where I'm ready to start doing my research AGAIN on why my body continues to reject these little lives. I am ready to see new doctors who I will have to tell my history too AGAIN. And I'm ready to face the reality that I will never be guaranteed that it will never happen again...and it very well could happen again. But at this stage...I accept that it could happen...that I could have the pain and that I will have to experience the reserved excitement of a pregnancy test and another walk down the long hallway to the ultrasound room where the nurses all know us now and are holding their breath for good news. But at this stage...those things are ok. They don't bother me. The only thing I can think of at this stage is that I want to be a mama. I see babies and I want to have one to fill my arms and my heart. I want to see Mike with a baby. I want to love a little person and have them stare back at me with love. I want to take care of a little life. And suddenly those vivid memories of pain, crying and loss are exactly that...memories. And time, at that point, seems to have flown by since the news that our little twins were no longer living. And time, at that point, seems to become precious with no desire to waste it. It seems to crawl as we eagerly wait to meet our little one...someday.

Hmmm...where to begin.

There is so much to say since my last post...back on October 15th.

I can't explain everything and quite frankly I don't know how. We lost our little ones. And I will, in time, explain my thoughts and relate my experiences and feelings behind the events of the past few months. But for now, I will post pictures...pictures that show what happened with just the right amount of emotion and explanation. Pictures often do that for me...they give me the ability to see/share the emotion, capture the moment and explain a situation just right...all with just pixels.

Our little guys...This is the last time we saw their tiny little beating hearts.

I will remember it for the rest of my life.

This man...there are no words that adequately define and can relay the amount of love, respect, and happiness I have in this man. He is and has been an amazing support during our maybe baby experiences. Often times I catch him looking at me and I can tell, without any words, that he does not think I'm broken. I know that he loves me regardless of how many miscarriages my body has been through. He loves me regardless of whether my hormones or my uterus can't seem to hang on to a little one. He does not allow this to define who we are or who I am or how much he loves me. He sees past the obstacles and only allows them to build us and mold us for our future. He holds me at the right times and gently reminds me to move on. He has been my rock and the one that reminds me to love God in spite of my fits of anger. He is the love of my life and the papa to my future babies.