Today is the day

So today is the day...I don't know how I should feel about it or what I should be doing with myself. At the beginning of September, I decided I would start a blog. Obviously it's not the beginning of September and this is the first post! HA! So today, with renewed vigor and a desperate need to dump my thoughts somewhere, I did it...I typed on the keyboard and did my first post. Not sure why it took me so long.

So today is the day...this has duel meaning for me today. Today is the day...I start blogging. Today is the day...that begins the weekend. But for real...Today is the day that we find out if maybe baby #3 will make it to this world.

For a short history, I have been pregnant twice in my life (three times now) and twice we have lost our little babies. The first was an ectopic pregnancy (little guy got stuck in the wrong place) and the second a miscarriage. So with those two behind me I carry a lot of random, and perhaps, unwarranted thoughts about this third time. I find myself comparing this time and how my body feels with the last time and how my body feels. Which is an exercise in futility because EVERY pregnancy is different. I could feel morning sick now and not with the next one. Even as I type this I struggle with what to say because it's like I can never fully explain the war in my head against my heart.

Mike and I have established some ground rules this time around.
1) No one knows about this pregnancy
2) No Internet reading allowed
3) No riding the roller coaster
4) No excessive ultrasounds

I will explain. No one knows about this baby...though as soon as I publish this...they will. But up until now no one knows. It's a weird decision to make and believe me I have almost told my family on several occasions. BUT...in the end there were a few things that helped us make this decision. Losing a baby is hard...the hardest and most painful (emotionally and physically) that I have ever done. Losing two babies is even harder. And having to see your dad cry, your mom look confused as to what to do because she feels guilty she had 7 healthy pregnancies, and your sister crying with you on the phone is heartbreaking. Yes it is sad...and yes if today doesn't turn out good they will be sad and the same emotions will happen. However, I can spare them the worry and the gut wrenching anxiousness that waiting does to a person. We go back and forth about sharing so that our family can pray...but in the end...this is what we have chosen. And we believe that if this is the one God has for us...today will be the day that begins the rest of our lives. Also, on a more honest note, it is hard to tell friends and family you're pregnant after you've done that twice and both times it's been false alarm. So...thus the explanation for number one.

No internet reading allowed. Now let me specify. The internet is a dangerous tool...it can be helpful, but it can also do some damage. We spent countless hours looking things up the first two pregnancies and got ourselves worried about all kinds of things. This lady heard the heartbeat at 5 weeks how come at 7 we can't! Or...she had cramping and she went on to be fine...I know that is the way it is for us! It can swing you in all kinds of directions, which I believe isn't the healthiest of approaches. So...yes...we peruse the internet every once in a while on medical sites if we need to. But excessive use in diagnosing my body is not allowed. Doing this doesn't help us...and it lends us to breaking rule number 3.

My whole life I have tried to maintain a very even set of emotions. Well I shouldn't say my whole life, but my whole adult life. It has always been my motto that I would learn to identify the "noise" of life and ignore those people and things that contribute to that "noise". I don't need the extra drama and I certainly don't need my brain to have to go on a roller coaster ride of emotions if it isn't necessary. So...we choose not to ride the roller coaster. We choose to stay on the boring kiddie ride and try our hardest to stay focused on that. It is so easy to sit and think about the horrible things that could come out of today's appointment, out of this pregnancy, out of the rest of my attempts to get pregnant, but it doesn't do me any good. And it certainly doesn't do Mike and I any good as a team. So we stay out of the dips down in the roller coaster, but we also stay off of the roller coaster ride up the huge hill that leads to that dip down. Because just as damaging as the dips are in the roller coaster; so are the highest points. I can sit here and say that the first two pregnancies I never felt barfy (which I do at times this time) and so this must be the real thing, but that starts the climb to the top of the hill. I believe that the excitement part of the roller coaster is the hardest one to control for me. I am an optimistic person. My natural tendency is to see the best in people and grab on to the biggest chunk of hope I can in any situation. And so for me...this is the hardest. Because just the sheer fact that I am pregnant is exciting!! I mean seriously, some people have issues just getting pregnant!! And so I am thankful and excited that this baby is the one and that this time is different and that of course this one is fine. And in the course of that I might just get a little too excited for my own good. It is exciting, but the reality is...I have a history. And that history doesn't help. So...I allow myself the excitement, but I don't allow myself to put a crib together and go shopping for bedding. There are lines I have to establish for myself. And so I don't ride the roller coaster. I might ride a little teeny kiddie ride like Dumbo at Disney and go up and down on these mild highs and lows. But I don't you dare put myself on The Hulk! While I use roller coaster analogies Mike is, of course, better with numbers and percentages. And so we always give each other a daily percentage what percentage of us is happy and what percentage of us is sad. For the last week we have both been 50/50. And we like it that way. 50% excited and 50% expecting bad. We talk about the happy and we remember the possibilities of sad. It is the weirdest place I have ever had to rest emotionally. It's like I don't know what to do or say or how to feel at any given time. I will be happy to rest from the war that goes on between my brain and my heart.

And lastly...we promised that we would control how we wanted our medical care to happen this time. Last time we were jerked all around and they had me coming in for weekly ultrasounds. Which does NOTHING but stress us out. Each week they would tell us the same thing...looks good, but still no heartbeat! Hang in there...and each appointment the hallway from the ultrasound to the exit door got longer and longer and the expressions on people's faces became less excited and more of that look that people give to people who have just gone through a breakup or a divorce. Their expressions go from excited that a baby is coming to...oh honey...it'll happen eventually hang in there...complete with the head tilt. It sucks. I've never hated the ultrasound lady, Lori; only hated the long hallway back where twice I have had to fight with all my body to hold back tears until we left the building. So we promised ourselves...no excessive ultrasounds. The last time we had 4 ultrasounds from the time I found out I was pregnant until I miscarried. This time...1. And I love it! Today will be the second. And hopefully the hallway wont' see quite as long.

So today is the day. Today is the day we find out about our baby #3...Our third little bug. And I must admit. I cannot wait for it to be over. I am exhausted with keeping my heart at bay and my brain from beating up my heart. My brain and my heart have constantly been at war for the last 4 weeks and I am tired. The ONLY two thing that keeps me going is Mike and knowing that God is bigger than this. That I have the love of a God that is bigger than my history, bigger than my inhospitable uterus or my vitamin deficiencies and low iron, and bigger than the war between my brain and my heart. And for this I have never been more grateful. Today is the day...