Some days are harder than others...

I'm usually a pretty positive person...especially on this blog. I mean the content in and of itself is not so positive (miscarriage etc). I try not to complain, but rather just state the feelings and emotions behind my life so that other who have been there can relate, and so that those who love me can understand my brain and heart. I'm not trying to make people feel bad for us; just trying to be honest and real about life. But...we all know that not every day is perfect and that not even the most bravest/strongest of people can hold up to the stresses of life every single minute of every single day.

Some days are harder than others...

Some days it's all I can think about.. with every little thing reminding me of our past sad pregnancies and every pregnant lady passing by with me thinking that she can't possibly love her baby as much as I would love mine if I would be given that opportunity.

Some days it just passes by without noticing the dads holding their little girls in line at the store, or the love you can just feel in the exchanged glances between parents when the kids do something funny.

The other night was a night where I just couldn't shake the realness of my emotions. I was already having kind of a rough day emotionally and then...we watched Parenthood. Which seriously has to be one of my favorite shows of all time. And of course, given the name of the show, they were dealing with possible losses of kids, and kids growing up, and parents not being able to have anymore kids, and new babies being born. And it was all I could do to hold myself together. The show, on top of rising emotions, was a recipe for a meltdown.

Not one thing usually leads to a meltdown. As I do with a lot of situations, I hold in my feelings...deal with them on my own...process on my own...get over it (never completely) on my own. And seemingly...move on. But what I forget about EVERY SINGLE TIME is that when I hold it in...and think I let go of it...I haven't. It stays...just a teensy piece of it remains...but it's there. It's there threatening to pile itself on top of the little piece left from the last time I held it in. And piece by piece these emotions build this shaky house of cards until the emotion runs by and knocks it down like a bully in a sandbox at the park. This is what causes my certifiable meltdowns. It's made up of hard baby days from the last weeks that I push aside and from moments where I swallow my deep gut desire to be a mama.

The meltdown is completely magnificent to be honest. It involves a LOT of realization, a LOT of love from Mikey, and a LOT of emotional release. Each time the emotions are just a twinge different than the last meltdown. It's funny though...as time passes the meltdowns become less frequent...but when they do come they are more magnificent than the ones at the beginning!

This meltdown consisted of some hard truths. I am terrified to try again, I am not ready yet to try again, I'm annoyed that I can't be as resilient as Mike is, and I'm immensely angered by the lack of answer I have for my situation. The cry was for the simple fact...that this is unfair...Why can't someone tell me right now what the problem is and fix it right now? Why can't I be one of those people who just thinks about having a baby and bam...I'm pregnant? Why can't I get over the pain? Why have I been robbed any sort of normal pregnancy excitement for the rest of my life?

My heart hurts...because no matter how much I tell myself that having the freedom to go on vacation when we want, go to a movie when we want, sleep in, walk around naked, or take last minute trips is so great. The truth is...deep down in my heart of hearts...I was born to be a mama. I love loving. If I could find a job that would support me by just making people feel loved and special...I would do it. In a heartbeat. I will love our future children more than I know I can even imagine right now. My heart wants to protect a little person and my heart wants to love a little person. I want to look into their little eyes and see us looking back. I want them to know that we have their back and we love them always. I want them to know they can always come to us. I know that Mike and I will be great parents...if for no other reason than it is what we have been waiting for our whole life.